Oh, everybody knows that for everyone 2020 was a roller coaster ride and a struggle. We are one of the Not-so-many fortunate families to survive and I am grateful. But, each of us who survived did not get it easy. We all fought mental and physical fatigue, anxiety and everything around. I wanted to record this year at a glance, before it fades away. Because, in future when going gets tough I should come back here and see what we all went through together. Pretty much the reason, I am back on this blog after slacking off from constructing a post, since oh so many months!
This year, I again started working postpartum six months. While I went to office only for three months, keeping Abby home with our nanny and his Dadi, I gained my confidence back. I had started enjoying keeping busy even when some where in February I knew that the job I had picked up merely is a stepping stone in terms of bridging the salary gap. But, a new mother needs to feel good and I was happy with that. I missed Abby sometimes, especially during lunch breaks in office, but I was at peace because he was with his grandmother and a caring nanny. I did get through stressful times when suddenly our nanny would decide to take a day off and I would be calling everyone to help my Mother In Law. Mr.ISB pitched in so many times, as for me taking 'Work From Home' was next to impossible. Little I knew that probably 'Work From Home' is something which would be a daily part of our schedule for months together.
The best month apart from December 2020 (I will come to that) was February 2020. Our Kaka and Kaki visited us from USA. I was so excited to meet them as it was the first time Abhimanyu was meeting his another 'Dada' and 'Aaji'. I was also excited because I never felt at distance from them but feeling the warmth when you stay together, under one roof- is irreplaceable. I still cherish the day when Mr.ISB gladly baby sat Abby while I spent my entire day with Kaka- Kaki in South Mumbai- from Coffee to Lunch to Evening Snacks. I felt like a ten years old, visiting places with Parents. I still can not put a word to that feeling.
It was somewhere in second week of February 2020, our clients started working on COVID related projects, focusing on China and Italy. I was very much a part of it and every one around us (the team) laughed when we talked about how experts think that the entire world is going to get affected. How can some virus in China do so? It was around 18th March that I called my Mother-in-Law from office to prepare the grocery list for a couple of months, because our live dashboard for the client was on high alert researching for experts related to Covid, in India. A team member also consulted an expert who thought the China-Like-Lockdown is the only key in India to be safe. Believe me, every single person who called back home to prepare for the lockdown was laughed at. I remember going back home and ordering grocery and next day instructing our nanny to be absolutely careful about wearing the mask and using the sanitiser. On 20th, one day curfew was announced which ended up with months of absolute lockdown. Our lives changed. Everyone's life changed.
Next few months went into a burr. Work from Home, extreme work pressure, no help at home, Mr.ISB's new job, Realising the fact that I am not going to see my parents for probably more than six months, frustration, anxiety, my boss getting fired, the team struggled to save the job and what not.
However, we were lucky that some good things kept us afloat. We could witness each and every milestone of Abby- Standing Up, Crawling, Walking and Climbing even speaking. This one single thing kept me going, stretching myself every day.
In June, we celebrated Abby's first birthday on two Zoom Parties. It was also a very sad day for me where I just masked myself to look happy because this mother was crying inside, missing her parents. The thought of how bad my parents would be feeling killed me. Besides that, I also realised people around us are not very sensitive, every one around me were busy clicking their photos with Abby. By the time I asked them to take my turn, Abby was tired. Do you know we do not even have a good family photo (Three of us?)- Yeah, that is what Covid and our society does to you.
I also had piled up a lot of feelings regarding household management by the time July arrived. When you live in a joint family and you have a baby, in India the expectations from females increase exponentially. I remember my MIL and myself, dead tired by the time it was 7 pm. Mr.ISB is into consultancy and we all know they have insane work hours- I could not ask for help there. My FIL and SIL tried their level best but it was 'nothing' compared to what me and MIL were doing. I still do not understand how some family members can just take NO OWNERSHIP of daily life chores. It is still a mystery. I am sure they wont survive out side, living alone without doing NOTHING at home. Phew.
I also realised the importance of Work Life balance. The notion that more hours means better work is also totally a myth. I could finish my work with good performance in 2-3 hours only and then spent the entire day with Abby around September- however it was not a choice. My fatigue increased in multifold but I could not blame my office- it was a mixture of hectic schedule - managing a baby, a home and my role at work. I also had started missing my parents terribly. I remember eagerly waiting to call them, every single day, till December because my plans to visit Ahmedabad kept on getting postponed.
Rakshabandhan came and went away. So did Navatri. Diwali also passed by. My career profile was and is in a horrible shape. The only thing I wanted to do was to put Abby to sleep by 8 pm all these months and then spend some time with Netflix or Books. I read a lot of Business Books. I watched many movies/series. I threw myself into that world because I did not want to face the real world. I was not only scared of Covid, I was also scared that I would perish. Metaphorically. I wanted to just get lost in another world.
Long story short. I did reach Ahmedabad on 19th of December. The last month of this year- 2020. After 9 hours (Which felt like 9 months) of a car journey to Ahmedabad, with a toddler who vomited twice, got me worried about his health and my own health- We reached home. My fear of Abby getting clingy to me and me succumbing to stress vanished when he called my mom 'Nani' as soon as I stepped inside. He just hugged her. It was magical. Not only hugged, he took his dinner with her. He just hugged her while sleeping too. My fatigue had vanished too. This was the second moment I can not name this year.
Now that I am home, I am tired in a positive way. I am taking rest and more rest I take, more I feel that how I had lost myself being a mother, a daughter-in-law and a wife probably. I am refreshed but still mentally numb. I am (For the first time in my life) assigned no household duties (but I still contribute) while even Abby is being managed by my parents. I have my brother to talk about stuff I like- mainly products and startups. I have Abby to spend quality time with. I now know- why should I resign from my job in 2021.
2021, Better Behave. I have might have plans to move in a positive direction in my life from here.
