April, You are weird!

It is my birthday month but since two consecutive years, it is one of the toughest months to deal with. Last year it was my pregnancy, early postpartum blue set up triggered by my mom's fracture. I am not sure how I survived through the phase, but this year it is more like a mini torture version of the same month. Amidst lockdown, which I do not mind to be honest and I do not have time to think about 'going out' and such fantasies, what is breaking my will is my work.

My work. Nature of projects. Intense pressure of getting revenue amidst covid-19. It is impossible to emerge as a winner with other overly time consuming responsibilities at home. But let me talk about, office. In my current office situation, I have one colleague and friend who is holding my hand and dragging me on the track, so that I dont give up. I literally work because she is there. and only because she is there. (Apart from my salary, obviously!) I do not even want to start cribbing about office politics and my ethics colliding like a nuclear bomb blast. I am about to resign - is what I tell myself every two hours and just dont.

Abby. Abby is 10 months old and no way I am compromising on the time I spend with him. I do all his work and of course, dont play as much as I would wish to but I make it a point to sing songs while making him eat, reading books to him, do some dance together etc. Sometimes I wonder, why did I take up the job? I have to do so many things with him at this point!

Get the point? I am into some weird zone called 'Decision Taking State'.

So, when I felt like blogging today, about my birthday. I thought of giving this background beforehand. And also, to note down in this place, how my average day tuned out to be a little special by my loved ones.

It was an amazing idea of my Sister-In-Law who managed to co-ordinate with our family and oh boy, it was good to know that so many people took time to wish me together in our zoom party! Infact, the Gajar Ka Halwa prepared by Kaki, which I consumed through the screen made a wild card entry in my dreams at night! I have to mention my crazy maternal family who also held a zoom party to wish me and then later on they tortured zoom with their nonstop laughing riots!

It was such a big change in the mood for me.  We all are social human beings, after all!

I remember myself thinking at night about all these special things, and what I wanted to in my life. Some old from the pending wish list and some new. Perspectives have changed with age and with this disruptive situations of covid-19.

Peace of mind definitely was on top with some materialistic happiness. April, as usual is tough in my mind. May be just like me?

Locked Down and Up Down

We seem to be living in a movie.No, well a reality. Crazy times.

If we survive, we can always refer ourselves as the ones who lived through Corona. The way we lived through Earthquake of Gujarat in 2001...(It would have been spooky if Corona would have happened in 2021! Look at the numbers!)

While the world is stretching itself to pass through this phase, which seems to be never ending- from the micro lens of life- I am almost passing one day at a time. For this working mother (yours truly) of a crawling 9.5 months old baby, becoming a super woman is a struggle, Ah, almost impossible.

In case you do not have patience, like me- skip the next part of this blog or well, get bored.

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5.30-6.30 am- Abby decides when should I get up but generally it is 6 am. (No, please I can not get up earlier than this)- While he screams at the top of his voice till I pick him up and give him milk which involves rushing to the steriliser, make his formula, put his rocker on the bed, pick him up and give him milk. The hungry soul then becomes happy and settles down. This entire 15 minutes is A Stretch!

I pass our baby parcel to my father-in-law who in turn pass him to my mother-in-law if he is still in his pyjama. I leave the room only when he is little less irritating for my mother-in-law because ladies and gentle man, his hyper-ness Mr.Abby is all time high with energy and ready to just go all over in the morning. While his grand mother can control his energy only a bit. Ah, well. If we can divert him in playing with his toys, good- we are sorted. Then this mom goes back to work.

Work? Sterilising his breakfast set. Diaper trash. Preparing his laundry. Making his and our bed.

Then back to kitchen for tea. I love making tea- the way every person likes. I do make two types of tea separately so that nobody's morning gets spoilt. While every body enjoys tea, Mr.ISB manages Abby and I rush to take our morning meeting call.

Once it is done in 30 minutes. I prepare breakfast for Abby. Feed him. Clean utensils and high chair. Put him to bath. Dress him up. It is now 10.30 am already. I am yet to start my office work and ah, take bath. I take bath, fold clothes which are on the drying rack. Help in the kitchen for 20 minutes and prepare Abby's lunch. Oh my god, I need to work for office too! I realise.

I start working at 11.30 am and work for around 20 minutes because, hey Abby is hungry by then.

I feed him his lunch, Clean up his mess. Let him play till then and change his clothes and diaper. Stuff my stomach with lunch by 1 pm and get my ass off to work, because remember- you are yet to prove yourself at work. Mr.ISB then baby sits along with my in-laws till Mr.Abby decides to sleep.

I feel tired by now but I dont have time to even move from one room to another. I just work and work and work. And it is 3.45 pm already. I rush to prepare semi cooked fruit pieces or a shake for Abby who would have enjoyed, hopefully a good afternoon nap. I make him practice having milk in sippy cup and let him enjoy his fruit. Clean the mess, clean the baby. Make tea and pick up that mug- rush to work again.

It is 6 pm already. Adult clothes in the washing machines are done. I rush to put them on the drying rack. Clean the bathroom and kitchen. Keep Abby's nightdress ready and start preparing dinner for Abby. If mine and MIL's stars are promising - somebody else in the house will cook the dinner. However I wash utensils for all, clean Abby's mess. Change his clothes. Put him in Pyajamas. Prepare his cot for the night.

Get myself some food for dinner- mostly delicious if cooked by Mr.ISB. Try putting Abby to sleep, if fail- let my husband do the job after giving Abby his good night Formula. It would be 9.40 pm by then. I crave for some rest by now, I need time to relax but my office work.....?

I open the laptop, try finishing work. I open Pinterest, find awesome DIYs and wonder if ever I would be able to spend sometime on doing what I want. I realize, I need to take time to condition my hair since a week. Ah, I realize all my clothes are shitty. I also realize, I am sleepy and  I pray Abby does not get up too early, while dozing off.

***

Tell me is it sustainable? To live like this? for 15 days more?

Is it fair to Abby to let him miss his floor play time because every one wants to lift him and keep him in their laps? Is it fair to give him mobile phone (he does not understand anything except the lights coming out of the screen) because the person baby sitting is tired of chasing him?

It is fair to not to care for yourself? I do not like to even get clicked. Because I look like an old sack of clothes? Because, I do not know if I should invest in five more minutes to keep conditioner on my hair? Because, I do not have time to read a book , paint a card, blog a bit or even sing a song and dance?

I do not know. What do you think?