The Year It Was, 2020!

 Oh, everybody knows that for everyone 2020 was a roller coaster ride and a struggle. We are one of the Not-so-many fortunate families to survive and I am grateful. But, each of us who survived did not get it easy. We all fought mental and physical fatigue, anxiety and everything around. I wanted to record this year at a glance, before it fades away. Because, in future when going gets tough I should come back here and see what we all went through together. Pretty much the reason, I am back on this blog after slacking off from constructing a post, since oh so many months!

This year, I again started working postpartum six months. While I went to office only for three months, keeping Abby home with our nanny and his Dadi, I gained my confidence back. I had started enjoying keeping busy even when some where in February I knew that the job I had picked up merely is a stepping stone in terms of bridging the salary gap. But, a new mother needs to feel good and I was happy with that. I missed Abby sometimes, especially during lunch breaks in office, but I was at peace because he was with his grandmother and a caring nanny. I did get through stressful times when suddenly our nanny would decide to take a day off and I would be calling everyone to help my Mother In Law. Mr.ISB pitched in so many times, as for me taking 'Work From Home' was next to impossible. Little I knew that probably 'Work From Home' is something which would be a daily part of our schedule for months together. 

The best month apart from December 2020 (I will come to that) was February 2020. Our Kaka and Kaki visited us from USA. I was so excited to meet them as it was the first time Abhimanyu was meeting his another 'Dada' and 'Aaji'. I was also excited because I never felt at distance from them but feeling the warmth when you stay together, under one roof- is irreplaceable. I still cherish the day when Mr.ISB gladly baby sat Abby while I spent my entire day with Kaka- Kaki in South Mumbai- from Coffee to Lunch to Evening Snacks. I felt like a ten years old, visiting places with Parents. I still can not put a word to that feeling. 

It was somewhere in second week of February 2020, our clients started working on COVID related projects, focusing on China and Italy. I was very much a part of it and every one around us (the team) laughed when we talked about how experts think that the entire world is going to get affected. How can some virus in China do so? It was around 18th March that I called my Mother-in-Law from office to prepare the grocery list for a couple of months, because our live dashboard for the client was on high alert researching for experts related to Covid, in India. A team member also consulted an expert who thought the China-Like-Lockdown is the only key in India to be safe. Believe me, every single person who called back home to prepare for the lockdown was laughed at. I remember going back home and ordering grocery and next day instructing our nanny to be absolutely careful about wearing the mask and using the sanitiser. On 20th, one day curfew was announced which ended up with months of absolute lockdown. Our lives changed. Everyone's life changed.

Next few months went into a burr. Work from Home, extreme work pressure, no help at home, Mr.ISB's new job, Realising the fact that I am not going to see my parents for probably more than six months, frustration, anxiety, my boss getting fired, the team struggled to save the job and what not. 

However, we were lucky that some good things kept us afloat. We could witness each and every milestone of Abby- Standing Up, Crawling, Walking and Climbing even speaking. This one single thing kept me going, stretching myself every day. 

In June, we celebrated Abby's first birthday on two Zoom Parties. It was also a very sad day for me where I just masked myself to look happy because this mother was crying inside, missing her parents. The thought of how bad my parents would be feeling killed me. Besides that, I also realised people around us are not very sensitive, every one around me were busy clicking their photos with Abby. By the time I asked them to take my turn, Abby was tired. Do you know we do not even have a good family photo (Three of us?)- Yeah, that is what Covid and our society does to you. 

I also had piled up a lot of feelings regarding household management by the time July arrived. When you live in a joint family and you have a baby, in India the expectations from females increase exponentially. I remember my MIL and myself, dead tired by the time it was 7 pm. Mr.ISB is into consultancy and we all know they have insane work hours- I could not ask for help there. My FIL and SIL tried their level best but it was 'nothing' compared to what me and MIL were doing. I still do not understand how some family members can just take NO OWNERSHIP of daily life chores. It is still a mystery. I am sure they wont survive out side, living alone without doing NOTHING at home. Phew.

I also realised the importance of Work Life balance. The notion that more hours means better work is also totally a myth. I could finish my work with good performance in 2-3 hours only  and then spent the entire day with Abby around September- however it was not a choice. My fatigue increased in multifold but I could not blame my office- it was a mixture of hectic schedule - managing a baby, a home and my role at work. I also had started missing my parents terribly. I remember eagerly waiting to call them, every single day, till December because my plans to visit Ahmedabad kept on getting postponed.

Rakshabandhan came and went away. So did Navatri. Diwali also passed by. My career profile was and is in a horrible shape. The only thing I wanted to do was to put Abby to sleep by 8 pm all these months and then spend some time with Netflix or Books. I read a lot of Business Books. I watched many movies/series. I threw myself into that world because I did not want to face the real world. I was not only scared of Covid, I was also scared that I would perish. Metaphorically. I wanted to just get lost in another world.

Long story short. I did reach Ahmedabad on 19th of December. The last month of this year- 2020. After 9 hours (Which felt like 9 months) of a car journey to Ahmedabad, with a toddler who vomited twice, got me worried about his health and my own health- We reached home. My fear of Abby getting clingy to me and me succumbing to stress vanished when he called my mom 'Nani' as soon as I stepped inside. He just hugged her. It was magical. Not only hugged, he took his dinner with her. He just hugged her while sleeping too. My fatigue had vanished too. This was the second moment I can not name this year.

Now that I am home, I am tired in a positive way. I am taking rest and more rest I take, more I feel that how I had lost myself being a mother, a daughter-in-law and a wife probably. I am refreshed but still mentally numb. I am (For the first time in my life) assigned no household duties (but I still contribute) while even Abby is being managed by my parents. I have my brother to talk about stuff I like- mainly products and startups. I have Abby to spend quality time with. I now know- why should I resign from my job in 2021. 

2021, Better Behave. I have might have plans to move in a positive direction in my life from here. 

Chaitime Chitchat #24

It has been seriously ages since I posted anything and no, it is not that I had nothing to say. I had no energy and today when I am typing this Abby is struggling with sleep regression and Mr.ISB is helping me to go through this chaos,  after his working weekends, so that I do not lose my shit forever. Seriously.

It has been a hell of a ride so far in COVID months of Aug, Sept and Oct 2020. There are primarily two major streams blocking my mind 24*7 (almost) - which causes  The cognitive load. 1) Abby and his routine, tantrums and milestones 2) Office. Office and Office 3) Home Management - where we do share load so to speak but cooking, cleaning and everything else takes lion share of my day- close to 30%. At 8 pm, if Abby does not go to sleep- the cognitive load reaches to the peak when my sanity goes for a toss. Step in - Daddy Dearest. However our child since last month thinks he SHOULD have his mom near by him if he happens to open his eyes between his sleep cycles. Oh well. Office work post 8pm- goes out of the window, because hey, I do need minimum 15 minutes of a stretch to focus on my work. 

We as a couple have decided that it is only fair to take a break so that I can find another opportunity post January 2021. (Read: While doing everything I am 'supposed' to do) Without a cook, a proper maid, a nanny- it is getting extremely tiring to manage myself, because we live in an Indian Society. No, my in-laws are very caring and my husband is too- infact the greates feminist/Gender Neutral person I know, but we all have been conditioned so deep that what remains is a Daughter-in-law who has been 'motivated' to not to give up on her high pay job but expected to do 50% household stuff (rest is done by MIL), raise a baby and not a single word is uttered when males of the family decide to get glued on the sofa asking for various dishes/drinks. (Okay, I am being honest here, covid has brought some sort of positive changes in them as well but now that covid ignorance era has started- everybody is loaded in the professional life. Hence we lose feminism right there!)

Enough of depressive stuff. Let me tell you the fun stuff.

I am looking forward to my freedom from the job I absolutely dislike because of no respect shown towards others' lives. I am looking forward to paint, read and probably work on my health. I am looking forward to spend quality time with Abby without stressing about what is happening at work. 

Is it okay if I want to feel free and breath in fresh air? 

No, I am not going to sacrifice my career and financial freedom at all. For that, I need sometime. Is it okay to take it?

Chai Time Chitchat #23

Oh, I can not believe it took so so many days (I did not dare to check how many) to blog something here. Not that I did not feel like, just that I am literally in need of 25th hour in the day. I assume it is the story with every young working mother, oh well may be a mother for that matter.

On work front, I am fighting for my job, goals, ambitions and trying to up the game (even if the efforts on daily basis is minuscule but it counts right?) I have been reading plethora of Business Books to get inspired to just develop some new skill sets, how? Did not I mention, I dont have time? I read while cooking, having tea, while drying clothes (Yeahhh!), eating and what not. I have to really do it this way? Probably no, but, is it making me happy? Super yes.

On home front, my hands are full with Abby- ah and his clothes, meals, diapers, toys, books etc! While I have a support system who can be a nanny for an hour at a time, mostly I am the Nanny now who disappears time to time to work for office and home. Obviously, the lock down came with letting go of control on what to make him eat, which food to introduce but I guess we do not have an option here when the Grandfather makes sure that even if he eats 'Farsan', some of it should be given to Abby. Even if it is his dinner time? Ah, well. No points for guessing, I do get frustrated. I rant and then I move on. After all, grand parents are essential in the development of a kid. 

However, even Dada Dadi are not getting exhausted after chasing this monkey after half and hour. It is impossibly tiring and believe me, I am just on the edge of collapsing every evening- just to get up and don't give up next morning. 

About Festivals? Rakhi and Janmashtami arrived, we did dress up him but what was one stark difference between rest of my life and this year? I was almost washed out in messy baby food flavoured clothes. In zero mood to even get clicked. Not that anyone bothered but then it was my choice. (Whatever it means!)

I wonder how easy it is for mothers to forget their wellbeing! I have negligible me time- forget about working out or focusing on drinking enough water or follow a better diet. There is literally no solution to this burn out but we have to take one day at a time.

I was not surprised when people ask these days on zoom calls or on personal visits (maintaining social distance) that if I am sick and sleep deprived.

Hello Dark Circles. We have not met before!

Bond and Bound

So, while discussing my god forbid 8493589437th take on marriages and live in relationships..

Bubblegum: Do not really be surprised but I do believe now, that if we were unmarried and I would meet you now, it would have been easy to convince me for a live in relationship before the marriage. 

(It would take another post for me to confront that I was quite traditional on the subject matter when Mr.ISB had proposed to stay in a live in relationship - which was just to make sure that I really wanted to marry him, or wait, was he serious? Guess, we would never know?

Mr.ISB: Are you mad or what? You would have left me in flat two days if we would be in a live in relationship. This marriage (by law or by whatever the promises we made socially) has made sure that you stick to me! (Referring to his messy lazy self and my OCDish self)

Bubblegum: *Rolling Eyes*

Marriage is a Bond of love? Or, are we bounded by law/rituals?

Guess we would never know?

Hahahaha! 

Abby Notes # 9

Time flies or not. Abby is ONE!

Last two months were not eventful with domestic duties and professional duties, they were largely manageable because I could witness all the milestones of Abby I wanted to.

He crawled faster, he had terribly teething just when lockdown was announced. He started standing up pulling himself by taking support of sofas, tables, humans, walls and sometimes even curtains! He, now tries walking sometimes but who cares. He can now call his Daddy - 'Baba', he can call his 'Mumma' and paternal grandfather plus everything around 'Dada'! Oh yes, he also 'Yayayaya's when he is happy!

He almost gulps down adult simple food, while his Baba also made him taste Lemon, Lemon juice, Dark Chocolate, Yogurt and Onion Raw mango salad. By the way, he loves each of these things. His Baba did some under cover Ice cream tasting party with him as well as per my observation. He loves his oats with Almond butter. He loves Plums, Blueberries apart from Apples and Pears. In fact, we were almost zeroing down on giving him Bananas (For real) for cake banana smash on his birthday. Banana love and Mom love are of the same level for Abby, you see.

We had three zoom parties on his birthday. While we count our blessings, lockdown made us work a tad bit more than my capacity - hence the mother and the baby both collapsed on the bed right at 8pm, which by the way is just a half and hour early for the baby. Well, for the mother it is a different story.

We missed my parents a LOT. A LOT. They deserved to be here but for the better good, we had to just share our joy on Zoom. I am sure the super power there somewhere will let them celebrate their grand kid's birthday, face to face some day. (Or may be next year)

I have a long list of gifts we have received, ordered and we are receiving for Abby but believe me, I want to do more and spend quality time with him. He is being more fun day by day, specially when he points out at stuff and tries to give his opinions till you say 'hmmm'!

Oh well, we are a production of two highly opinionated individuals. What did you expect?

Chai time Chitchat #22

Are you ready with the ginger infused , strong Indian Tea? Pull a chair. I am going to just talk a lot today.

Lockdown is being relaxed however we assume Mumbai will be burning with Covid-19. However, I am here not to shed any negativity but let me tell you one thing, I am liking it. After all the fatigue, hectic schedule, turmoils inside me. I am liking it. Tell you why? I take time for myself after Abby sleeps and do a bit of what I want to do.

I have propagated 6 plants so far for my window balcony. I have plans to create some shelves for books, pots and plants and hence I am going to be gifted with Bosch 500W drill set by Mr.ISB. ( Do not roll you eyes. We are big fans of DIY!) I mostly should use it this year! (Hahahaha, because it took 6 months for me to take out time to start gardening and maintain the garden!)

I am able to spend some time with Abby, mostly teaching him to feed himself- read him some stories even if it means a break every few seconds, chasing him to not to eat that small particle of dust he could see on the floor and of course seeing him having fun with both sets of grandparents (In presence and in Video Presence) and mainly with his Baba (Mr.ISB)

I am able to watch one episode of any web series I want once Abby is asleep at 8.30 pm and which means a lot because when I used to go to office- the only thing I could do to either collapse or just open my laptop and prove myself at work. (It is on another post how things are messy on work front)

I aim to paint something this month. Atleast one small painting?
I aim to take out a glass of wine and pour some Irish Baileys which somebody would gift to me, I assume! (Wicked smile here!)
I aim to have design a slick study table for my Husband so that he can keep the bed clean? Because hey he is working from home forever!
I aim to sip on some Chamomile Tea if nothing works on the Baileys front! (Always have plan B?)

How do you plan to revive yourself?

Locked Down, Not Bogged Down

Let me be honest. I never got tired of lockdown honestly. I have this thing, once I decide to 'like' something or decide to 'sustain' something- nobody can pull me down. So, with two senior citizens and a small baby at home, there was no way I would desperately feel like 'going out'. No.

What troubles me is the fatigue. The pressure to work from home, at home and clean up the mess which automatically gets generated every half and hour by adults of the family. About Abby, I am loving every moment I spend with him. With his curiosity and amazing grasping power, he changes my mood in plain 2 minutes (unless he is resisting sleep, which is a topic for a separate blog!)

I know, I have previously blogged about how busy and tiring my day is (to me) which ruins my peace of mind and happiness. However, there are tiny moments of happiness and love I go through every day. Today is the day to seize them and write about them, so after ten years when I read about the 'Lockdown', I do not remember 'only' the painful time and fatigue here.

• I love making Abby eat different food and develop his taste buds! Lemon, Oranges, Neem Juice and what not. He loves Bananas, Apples, Mangoes, Kiwis, Oats, Rotis, Halwas and oh god, almost everything. He seems to have a sweet tooth but our halwas and laddus do not have sugar- Go figure! Ah, Oats are so bland that only both of us can have it and enjoy it as well. (I am the one with those taste buds!) So, it is an exciting ride till he starts finding all the junk in the world.
• I love it when I take bath once in a day or twice if I am lucky. Serious! Even if I am always rushing- the feeling of warm water touching my tired muscles --I have never experienced those feelings before. Looks like my body is asking for rest and when it does not get it, it sort of enjoys such little relaxing minutes. 
• I love talking to my Singapore friend A who is also my colleague. We chat an entire day to sustain our everyday assignments which are basically nothing but stuff in the pressure cooker- you never know when you would need a whistle! 
• I love reading books to Abby, as much as I want to do it for a longer period of time. I understand, possibly this is the maximum chunk I can bargain from life.
• I love dancing with him, he though just uses his hands and sometimes try to jump holding to the railings of his cot but believe me, if this fatigue was not there- I would have gone all out of dancing and be happy about the 'work out'!
• I have these dreams of setting up my own home, okay rooms if not home. So when we got this sofa cum bed in January 2020 four our side of the flat, I wanted to buy furnishing of my choice. While I did not do it then thanks to my procrastination and now it is impossible to order anything- I have to make do with a slide for Abby, clothes drying up on racks and toys every where. Silver lining? We finally opened our wine glasses to drink coffee, used some cute cushions we already had! We also finally made our extra dead kitchen alive, to use it as a pantry to make Maggie, coffee and tea! 
• My husband is going to work from home for six months and hence, I am already dreaming about that slim study table I saw in one of the shops in Fort a few months back. I am actually in love with that piece of Mango Wood furniture! (Who can afford teak now?)
• Chitchatting with my Kaka and Kaki from US, still as exciting as ever. As soothing as ever. Never gets tiring- in fact it is warmer than ever! 
• I have started looking forward to our weekly big family hang outs. They are more interactive for me than before. One silver lining Covid-19 could bring!

I am sure there would be many more to come, looking at the ever extended lock down we are observing. Tell me one thing, even if economists warn us of poverty and unemployment- would you have a heart to go out if you have a baby at home?

I am not ready. Not ready at all.

I will live like this forever, if it keeps my baby healthy. Happily so.

April, You are weird!

It is my birthday month but since two consecutive years, it is one of the toughest months to deal with. Last year it was my pregnancy, early postpartum blue set up triggered by my mom's fracture. I am not sure how I survived through the phase, but this year it is more like a mini torture version of the same month. Amidst lockdown, which I do not mind to be honest and I do not have time to think about 'going out' and such fantasies, what is breaking my will is my work.

My work. Nature of projects. Intense pressure of getting revenue amidst covid-19. It is impossible to emerge as a winner with other overly time consuming responsibilities at home. But let me talk about, office. In my current office situation, I have one colleague and friend who is holding my hand and dragging me on the track, so that I dont give up. I literally work because she is there. and only because she is there. (Apart from my salary, obviously!) I do not even want to start cribbing about office politics and my ethics colliding like a nuclear bomb blast. I am about to resign - is what I tell myself every two hours and just dont.

Abby. Abby is 10 months old and no way I am compromising on the time I spend with him. I do all his work and of course, dont play as much as I would wish to but I make it a point to sing songs while making him eat, reading books to him, do some dance together etc. Sometimes I wonder, why did I take up the job? I have to do so many things with him at this point!

Get the point? I am into some weird zone called 'Decision Taking State'.

So, when I felt like blogging today, about my birthday. I thought of giving this background beforehand. And also, to note down in this place, how my average day tuned out to be a little special by my loved ones.

It was an amazing idea of my Sister-In-Law who managed to co-ordinate with our family and oh boy, it was good to know that so many people took time to wish me together in our zoom party! Infact, the Gajar Ka Halwa prepared by Kaki, which I consumed through the screen made a wild card entry in my dreams at night! I have to mention my crazy maternal family who also held a zoom party to wish me and then later on they tortured zoom with their nonstop laughing riots!

It was such a big change in the mood for me.  We all are social human beings, after all!

I remember myself thinking at night about all these special things, and what I wanted to in my life. Some old from the pending wish list and some new. Perspectives have changed with age and with this disruptive situations of covid-19.

Peace of mind definitely was on top with some materialistic happiness. April, as usual is tough in my mind. May be just like me?

Locked Down and Up Down

We seem to be living in a movie.No, well a reality. Crazy times.

If we survive, we can always refer ourselves as the ones who lived through Corona. The way we lived through Earthquake of Gujarat in 2001...(It would have been spooky if Corona would have happened in 2021! Look at the numbers!)

While the world is stretching itself to pass through this phase, which seems to be never ending- from the micro lens of life- I am almost passing one day at a time. For this working mother (yours truly) of a crawling 9.5 months old baby, becoming a super woman is a struggle, Ah, almost impossible.

In case you do not have patience, like me- skip the next part of this blog or well, get bored.

***

5.30-6.30 am- Abby decides when should I get up but generally it is 6 am. (No, please I can not get up earlier than this)- While he screams at the top of his voice till I pick him up and give him milk which involves rushing to the steriliser, make his formula, put his rocker on the bed, pick him up and give him milk. The hungry soul then becomes happy and settles down. This entire 15 minutes is A Stretch!

I pass our baby parcel to my father-in-law who in turn pass him to my mother-in-law if he is still in his pyjama. I leave the room only when he is little less irritating for my mother-in-law because ladies and gentle man, his hyper-ness Mr.Abby is all time high with energy and ready to just go all over in the morning. While his grand mother can control his energy only a bit. Ah, well. If we can divert him in playing with his toys, good- we are sorted. Then this mom goes back to work.

Work? Sterilising his breakfast set. Diaper trash. Preparing his laundry. Making his and our bed.

Then back to kitchen for tea. I love making tea- the way every person likes. I do make two types of tea separately so that nobody's morning gets spoilt. While every body enjoys tea, Mr.ISB manages Abby and I rush to take our morning meeting call.

Once it is done in 30 minutes. I prepare breakfast for Abby. Feed him. Clean utensils and high chair. Put him to bath. Dress him up. It is now 10.30 am already. I am yet to start my office work and ah, take bath. I take bath, fold clothes which are on the drying rack. Help in the kitchen for 20 minutes and prepare Abby's lunch. Oh my god, I need to work for office too! I realise.

I start working at 11.30 am and work for around 20 minutes because, hey Abby is hungry by then.

I feed him his lunch, Clean up his mess. Let him play till then and change his clothes and diaper. Stuff my stomach with lunch by 1 pm and get my ass off to work, because remember- you are yet to prove yourself at work. Mr.ISB then baby sits along with my in-laws till Mr.Abby decides to sleep.

I feel tired by now but I dont have time to even move from one room to another. I just work and work and work. And it is 3.45 pm already. I rush to prepare semi cooked fruit pieces or a shake for Abby who would have enjoyed, hopefully a good afternoon nap. I make him practice having milk in sippy cup and let him enjoy his fruit. Clean the mess, clean the baby. Make tea and pick up that mug- rush to work again.

It is 6 pm already. Adult clothes in the washing machines are done. I rush to put them on the drying rack. Clean the bathroom and kitchen. Keep Abby's nightdress ready and start preparing dinner for Abby. If mine and MIL's stars are promising - somebody else in the house will cook the dinner. However I wash utensils for all, clean Abby's mess. Change his clothes. Put him in Pyajamas. Prepare his cot for the night.

Get myself some food for dinner- mostly delicious if cooked by Mr.ISB. Try putting Abby to sleep, if fail- let my husband do the job after giving Abby his good night Formula. It would be 9.40 pm by then. I crave for some rest by now, I need time to relax but my office work.....?

I open the laptop, try finishing work. I open Pinterest, find awesome DIYs and wonder if ever I would be able to spend sometime on doing what I want. I realize, I need to take time to condition my hair since a week. Ah, I realize all my clothes are shitty. I also realize, I am sleepy and  I pray Abby does not get up too early, while dozing off.

***

Tell me is it sustainable? To live like this? for 15 days more?

Is it fair to Abby to let him miss his floor play time because every one wants to lift him and keep him in their laps? Is it fair to give him mobile phone (he does not understand anything except the lights coming out of the screen) because the person baby sitting is tired of chasing him?

It is fair to not to care for yourself? I do not like to even get clicked. Because I look like an old sack of clothes? Because, I do not know if I should invest in five more minutes to keep conditioner on my hair? Because, I do not have time to read a book , paint a card, blog a bit or even sing a song and dance?

I do not know. What do you think?

Chai Time Chitchat #21

Many things are happening. Right from Corona in Mumbai/India to Abby's Never ending (seems to me) viral infection. I am not sure from where to start.

I am incredibly stressful about Abby. He has become so so clingy, under-stably. He had high grade fever for three days and now since one day low grade fever. No, he has not shown any coughing or cold symptoms. Mostly like a stomach bug. (Who knows!) With Covid-19 around, it is so scary to take him to hospital. Keeping grandparents away from him is also next to impossible. (Mission Impossible 1 is to keep them home without warning them about Covid-19)

Home front. Home is a warm word, even if it is messy. It is dirty. However, I have realised depending on others to keep it clean is a joke on yourself. The moment your maid is on leave, the panic strikes the elderly because they have forgotten to share their responsibilities amongst family members hence now the pressure is ON. Only on specific people of the home. I would rather partner with my husband and do the cleaning while my baby plays in the cot/play pan or with the nanny. I am not sure why in India this simple act of taking/giving full ownership of domestics tasks is so so difficult?

Work front. Don't even ask. I have been asked to work on US projects along with India projects. It is impossible to do 38294837 things at home, 84375973 for Abby- give him attention and pacify him because he is teething/he is ill , squeeze in time to work in day- leave alone at night. I am this close to resign, because I have zero time to introspect. (Oh the irony!) I have all the time in my life to earn but  moments with my baby (because there are 1039208 people ready to raise him albeit in their own ways) and peacefulness in my life -none are coming back. I have literally done zero stuff for my health or personal development. Zero books, zero painting, zero work out and the world is sharing articles on killing time in lock down.

On a positive note, I have been constantly getting support from Mr.ISB to take rest, while he takes care of vaccuming our part of the flat, cleaning utensils at dinner (while I do it at lunch), cooking dinner (I do it with the help of my MIL for rest of the meals) and baby sitting Abby(which he always always did) We are trying to really pull this through.

What we are not able to is - convincing other members of the family to stop spreading news on Media, keep themselves locked down, stop worrying about the next grocery bill or taking out money.
We are 30+ years old and we can really really manage a family. Blah, nobody is listening. Parents, I tell you!

What's up with you guys? How is Corona Lock Down treating you?

Don't stop having Adarakh wali chai, alright?

Squeeze In?

How the hell do you squeeze in time for yourself? 

You get up at the time your baby gets up, who just want to hug you for ten minutes and as soon as you leave him, he wants to monkey around. 

You feed him, you feed yourself and others. Tea, ah well it is no more a therapeutic experience because you are on a stand by for others to have tea, so that you can peacefully clean your bedroom and get ready. You get your Ola and call your mom who obviously is more interested in talking about your baby. Sometimes she is worried for the sore throat and coughing you have since eternity but oh well, the worry fades away in a minute.

You reach office, have a cup of coffee while rebooting system and making a couple of phone calls. However, you do get ten minutes of peace if you order tea customized for you. However, it is on the mercy of the canteen manager. 

You hog on the lunch quickly while talking to friends you have made. Ten minutes of walk downstairs is something you use to network however the same set of friends do hear to your comments and inputs on 23786 things going in the office. 

You work your ass off and coordinate with those carpool riders to reach home on time or just stare at the browser till you get an expensive cab booked. You buy a couple things needed home, remove earrings in the elevator and enter, Boom!

The baby is happy, you are more than happy. You cuddle and you snuggle. Baby does not leave you and Nanny is packing the bag before time. Mother In Law goes out for a walk while you try to answer calls while playing with the baby. You remember, you had put the cooker on the stove, you remember the numbers of whistles and partially prepare the dinner while playing with the baby. Yes.

You feed the baby, freshen him up and make him wear his night suit. You read him a book and let others play with him while hogging on to the dinner. You put your baby to sleep and you want to sleep as well. But, you want me-time.

Just when you think about it, you get a reminder on an upcoming deadline. You again work and juggle between work, me-time and putting the baby back to sleep if he gets up. You just collapse on the bed, while checking if the alarm is on for 5am next morning.

I am not sure how to 'squeeze in time for myself', when that is what I get to hear when I am seen with droopy tired eyes and fuming mind!

1. Work out

2. A cup of coffee/tea in peace

3. A warm bath

4. A Small 15 mins reading session

How? How do super moms do around the world. How?

Abby Notes #8

Abby is 8 months old now and believe me, this is such a fun age. He blabbers, he tries to sing, he is very very expressive and oh boy, he hates it when you snatch his favourtie toy! Did I mention he is an unstoppable frog like creature! (What kind of a mom am I, calling him a frog? hhahahaha)

Abby has been a good child when it comes to being home with my MIL and his nanny while I am at office. I used to secretly feel bad that he does not really need me amidst all the love he gets from every one. Oh Boy, how wrong I was.

Abby was down last week with Viral. From a day before the week, he suddenly started coming to me by demand. Little less I knew, he would not go away from me for a minute when he was under the effect of Viral fever. I realised, may be the mom connection is too strong even if a baby gets all the love in the world. There is something definitely in the mom-love, I am sure. It is not biological for sure, it comes from within. And... by the way, It broke my heart into tiny pieces whenever the thermometer showed high temperature.

However, after a fight of 1.5 days he had started recovering and he did not waste one minute in compensating the loss of his active time during the illness. In fact, my FIL today declared that one person alone at home, can not- just can not handle him. And when he (who is blindly in love with our baby) says that.... You know how it is!

He has started developing retention power in the memory department too. Our 'The most favourite' Kaka Kaki from US came back from their trip to Kerala after 10 days and this time, they were greeted with a smile. And believe me, It was such a warm feeling seeing three of them together, spending time with each other. One of those moments when you want to freeze time.

Abby now crawls, wants to play on the floor and exactly not on the playmat! He wants to touch, feel and collide with everything. If possible bang things on other things- Do you get the gist? Did I tell you he loves playing 'Tabla' on his drum, boxes, glass top table and ah well, on my shoulders too?

This month, Abby also received gorgeous gifts from our Kaka Kaki (Can you see the mommy happier than the baby? Of course!) This wanna be elegant but messy mommy who has given up even putting a good bed cover on the bed, was super excited to see cute bedsheets and clothes for Abby. Can I just show you pictures of the gorgeous books he has got? Oh well, that needs a separate post!

I can not wait to read out stories I have grown up listening to. I can not wait for our next Ahmedabad trip (God knows when it is coming though!), I am excited to take Abhimanyu to some where out side India. Before these days arrive in my life, I every day wish for his good health and ....

His good night sleep, sharp at 9.15 pm. Thank you :D

A Sunny Day Rambling

New motherhood comes with no me-time. Almost. It also comes with a lot of loneliness, questions, issues and sleep deprivation. Just when you think you are settling once your baby is six months old, you get busy with office. Sometimes it comes with staff management, family management and also your own expertise in not stepping up for yourself and just over think about issues.

However, sometimes you see a silver-lining too. You get to talk to your favourite people and feel good. Even if it is for a while. Sometimes you just Whatsapp or mail such people and feel good...And sometimes your favourite people come to meet you from US of A and also your husband manages to push you to spend time with them. An entire day. Without worrying about your baby, home, in-laws, parents other family members. Now, that is a line full of diamonds and not a silver-line!

Because I am writing with such gusto about it, obviously it happened. Yesterday. I spent almost a whole day with my most favourite people in the world - Kaka and Kaki. That too, how? Visiting Kalaghoda Festival, window shopping and shopping, visiting a book store and discuss a lot about life in general! Ah, also- We had coffee, lunch, tea and coffee together, in that order. I mean, even in my dreams I don't get people like me who can really roam about for such things in life!

I almost felt like a little girl talking to best friends who can sort every issue she has in life. Just talking to them reminds me that I can be a lot better as a person that what I am. I can be a lot better at sorting myself out than I am. And not in a negative way, but in a very positive way.

I do not have to think twice before asking them a thing. I just feel the wavelength and believe me, irrespective of relationship other members of my family share with them- I just adore them, I respect them and I look upto them - all the time.

My family has gone though tough times in last 3 years. Abby has been a blessing for them. However, we as a couple were always under the judgemental eyes of society and family on how we are supporting other members of the family. Possibly rightly so. However we both husband and wife are now feeling bogged down by the load with our brand new baby. If somebody can sooth me from this entire situation, than it is them.

I can not forget how I can talk on and on and on and on about anything under the sun with them. Movies, Books, Art, Science, Mythology, Cooking, Religion, Parenting, Fashion, Gadgets, Coffee, Tea, Food, Decor, Relationships. Name it, and I will add it.

They are the perfect combination of a set of parents with an understanding of friends. I love my both sets of parents, but they are the third set - Dear to me. (Not in that order!)

That one super power I believe in, sometimes just showers sunshine on me.

They are my Sunshine and who does not like a Sunny Day?

To Abby #1

Dear Abby,

You are going to be seven months old in two days. You are my little but big boy and believe me, every one around loves you more than anyone around in this whole world!! (And, you have a mother who writes her mind out without proofing it. Bare with her!)

I thought of writing this letter to you- One, because it has been my first work week after your birth. I am leaving you home with Dadi and Tai.Two, because I just love writing mails to my near and dear ones and welcome to the club of the people I love writing to. You are in a gang of only six people so far!)

Today is the fourth day of my five days work week, in my very new and challenging job. You have been nothing but a blessing for this new and now working Mumma because you are happy without Momma at home. You do not cry or you are still not clingy. Every one say, once you will be nine or ten months old you might be too upset when I would be going to office but I have a hunch that you will support the challenging role your mom wants to crack!

Oh, it does not mean I do not miss you. On the first day, when I came back home- you sort of ignored me. My heart broke then and there but in two three minutes when you started playing with me in your usual way, I could not stop smiling. On the second day, a few Building Aunties blamed me indirectly for being selfish. However, it was your Dad who reminded me why I am working. He also told me that when you would grow up, you would appriciate me for managing my career well and would also understand that every person (irrespective of his/her gender) should have a freedom of choice- Specially in terms of, To work or Not to work, after marriage or having kids.

I might sound harsh but I am an individual. I did not lose my individual personality even after getting married to your Dad (Thanks to him!) and hence, when your very wise 'A' Pishimoni adviced the tired Mumma of yours in her passive voice, a few months back:" Abby is a part of you, rest of your personality still needs to have passion and joy! You will be happy if you preserve that part and so would be Abby!" I could not and can not agree more. Do you know the most wonderful part? Your Dad belives in it more than any one of us. And to prove? I am spending total three quality hours with you every day before going to office and after coming back and they are nothing but JOY.

Another reason for me to join work - is AMBITION. I have a few for myself, your Dad has some as well and you would have some for yourself. Everyone should have a goal or goals in life to reach to and Believe me, some day you would know why I did not give up on this one.

Abby, I am sure you would give me strength to crack this new role which matters to me a lot. However, be sure that you are the most important part of your Mom and Dad.

Love,
Mumma

Ah__Fish!

Oh yes, I am talking about Office today. Yours truly has resumed work and from all the aunties in our building this Mommy has wore the robe of selfishness and every day goes to work leaving her 'poor' almost seven months old baby home. (Oh no, he does not register my absence at all! 'They' ignore the fact when I leave for office!)

I would stop my rants here and talk about things I think when I am going to office, when I am in office and while I am on my way back.

-Abby is going to be alright. He does not even miss me. Stop thinking about it.

-I don't have anything to wear!

-Why is it so uncomfortable to keep hair open! Let me tie a bun. Oh No, I cant. This is an office.

-Oh my God, the world outside is so slim and trim. God knows how to squeeze in time for working out.

- This feels so good. I finished all the pending tasks.

-Where was I for eight months? Absent from life?

-What would Abby be doing? He does not even miss me! Why?

-I need coffee.

-I want to work out or walk. But I want to meet Abby as soon as I can.

-I need to change my hair style. This pony tail looks out of age for me.

-When should I book a cab to go home?

-Why the hell this Mumbai traffic appears ever where?

-Day care downstairs for ******* Bank is so cute. So many babies!

-Oh look at that baby! Must be younger than Abby too! Why cant I have my baby here?

-No, I cant. What if I have to stay back for some time?

-When is the boss going to talk to me?

-Oh my God, I need to cook dinner as per the plan.

-Oh No, then I will give hardly 1.5 hours with Abby.

-Why is that aunty telling me that Abby will forget me now?

-Oh well, another one coming to ask my office timings. Why don't they go and ask this to Daddy.

-What? Abby is wearing such a mismatched pair of clothes. I had kept everything prepared in the basket, what happened to them?

Believe me, there is a trail left to write about. I still need to plan and sort out some issues. I have to fight with social dilemma of performing in career and my personal life as a mother.

Some day. I will get over them. I can not fight with the society.

Resolution 2020!

Oh well, if I look back to the post where I declared my five goals for 2019, I did not do too bad. Not Good in all the areas of course but provided I lived the entire year being pregnant or a new mother- I do get some concession. Don't I ?

The first Goal was to keep activity level high. Oh well, till June I walked A LOT. Of course, it maintained my weight like anything but I could not see an impact on my delivery because hey, I had a C Sec. Over all, I did not do too well in this area afterwards. However, I am slowly picking up. I try to go for a walk, thanks to our Nanny (Please dont go any where ever!) who takes care of Abby in the afternoon. Now that I am joining my new job in next five days, lets see how do I maintain my physical fitness.

Second and third Goals of Working together with Mr.ISB and Decluttering - is a work in progress. We are yet to conquer both goals with additional stuff we have thanks to Abby, however I am sure we would survive.

Fourth and Fifth Goal of Recycling and Personal Projects went out of the window. Believe me, I had plans. I could paint two canvases and a bit of recycling boxes for storage happened. Not Happy with these goals.

Year 2020 is going to be different to take these goals again. It is the year of settling down with a new role and a baby on board. Getting into routine, making self care rituals etc. But wait, let me write them down.

1. Reading: I kid you not. I want to read books, learn more or just explore different virtual worlds. There is this sudden craving for knowing thoughts of other people, characters and build my own theories, in me now. With a six months old baby it is not very easy to take time out but hey, I am going to slay this goal. I am sure. If I want to survive intellectually.

2. Fitness: I need to decide if I want to dance, walk or do both. Or nothing. However it is time to level up the game of diet and work out. I need to lose postpartum weight and I can see it is not easy. All eyes on my new diet this year. I am trying to minimize carbs but remember, I am from Gujarat.

3. Hosting Parties: Tea parties or Dinner, all eyes on my soon to be set up Living Room. I did a small trial on Christmas by decorating it with a Christmas tree and whatever I could get without going out much. I loved creating a party ambiance. I would love to throw a rug, a few fairy lights and some indoor plants. This year I want to host minimum three parties to start with. With elegance and joy.

Wish Me Luck?