October 29, 2014

It really helps. Day dreaming.

Nilofar was coming. I was selfish for a moment. I wanted it to come to Pune at that very moment, so as to get an early compulsory off. (Being human, I don't want it to happen only, I was not a human being at that moment.)

My heart was thumping hard. No nervousness. Frustration. I did not want to go to the meeting which I had managed to avoid for quite some time. Just because it never helped. The saturation point was coming closer, to feel numb, I felt. The office kills my senses every day. Slogging is not challenging, that is what some senior management people told me. Yeah, well. That is what they make us do.

I attended the meeting with the shivering body while the low temperature of the room managed to keep my blood from boiling. The sheer wastage of time, managed to bring evening closer. Just to get roasted in another 'Counselling for career' lecture from another senior. Well, that is life. Talking about work life balance and asking to attend calls at States of America time.

The frustrated body tends to bend towards heavy , junk and irregular meals, like a normal human being. Just to realize they are big mistakes of my life. Having a cup of tea in place of heavy breakfast and grabbing the tasteless lunch, way after lunch timing. That is another story too. Being unhealthy and fat.

Those fat cells accumulated due to lack of exercise dance in the form of Bharatnatyam, Garba and free Bollywood dance shows once I enjoyed till I finished my 10th board. They keeps on increasing and decreasing in numbers. They never leave me alone for a long period of time. Of course my DNA is made up of fat cells if I look at my family,but there are celebrities like family members who manage to stay fit, a way healthier than a kid at an old age. I think, I am out of excuse and will power both.

The frustration rules my mind after office and I hardly feel my heart willing to beat with increased pace and endorphin rush in my veins. I ignore working out and keep on eating stuff, I should not.

Those sleeveless tops, halter necks and hot pants would never get the privilege to get flaunted by me. Those Reebok shoes in the show room to die for, will never get to see my legs moving faster than my usual speed of brisk walk. Those beautiful silk Sarees will be loved by me immensely with the wave of pain of looking ugly  in them. Those back pains which will play hide and seek all my life just because of my excess weight during PMS.

I can see the saturation point, the point of no return is coming closer in my professional life, affecting my personal life like never before.

I do not have a tunnel vision yet, to sort this for once and all. I have a blurred picture of what I would be doing in coming years, may be like a drenched painting. You thought you would get a finished bright, proper strokes on the canvas, what you got is a bucket full of water falling on it. Also you realize, you don't want to paint anymore.

Beautiful mornings, Sunshine, Chai mugs, Balcony. Jogging, dancing and the blood rush. No wearing formal clothes and no worries regarding how to tie my hair. Vegetables and grocery shopping and a stocked up kitchen. Relishing the food and working on my favorite laptop side by side. Chit chat with family members, photo clicking here and there. Challenges where my passion lies. Spic and Span kitchen and bright curtains. White cotton comfortable bed sheets and sparkling mirrors. Baking, blogging and reading every day. Discussion on geeky things and a few days out of town to enjoy the vacation every year.

Day dreaming relieves me sometimes from the baggage of frustrations I carry.

It really helps!