Locked Down, Not Bogged Down

Let me be honest. I never got tired of lockdown honestly. I have this thing, once I decide to 'like' something or decide to 'sustain' something- nobody can pull me down. So, with two senior citizens and a small baby at home, there was no way I would desperately feel like 'going out'. No.

What troubles me is the fatigue. The pressure to work from home, at home and clean up the mess which automatically gets generated every half and hour by adults of the family. About Abby, I am loving every moment I spend with him. With his curiosity and amazing grasping power, he changes my mood in plain 2 minutes (unless he is resisting sleep, which is a topic for a separate blog!)

I know, I have previously blogged about how busy and tiring my day is (to me) which ruins my peace of mind and happiness. However, there are tiny moments of happiness and love I go through every day. Today is the day to seize them and write about them, so after ten years when I read about the 'Lockdown', I do not remember 'only' the painful time and fatigue here.

• I love making Abby eat different food and develop his taste buds! Lemon, Oranges, Neem Juice and what not. He loves Bananas, Apples, Mangoes, Kiwis, Oats, Rotis, Halwas and oh god, almost everything. He seems to have a sweet tooth but our halwas and laddus do not have sugar- Go figure! Ah, Oats are so bland that only both of us can have it and enjoy it as well. (I am the one with those taste buds!) So, it is an exciting ride till he starts finding all the junk in the world.
• I love it when I take bath once in a day or twice if I am lucky. Serious! Even if I am always rushing- the feeling of warm water touching my tired muscles --I have never experienced those feelings before. Looks like my body is asking for rest and when it does not get it, it sort of enjoys such little relaxing minutes. 
• I love talking to my Singapore friend A who is also my colleague. We chat an entire day to sustain our everyday assignments which are basically nothing but stuff in the pressure cooker- you never know when you would need a whistle! 
• I love reading books to Abby, as much as I want to do it for a longer period of time. I understand, possibly this is the maximum chunk I can bargain from life.
• I love dancing with him, he though just uses his hands and sometimes try to jump holding to the railings of his cot but believe me, if this fatigue was not there- I would have gone all out of dancing and be happy about the 'work out'!
• I have these dreams of setting up my own home, okay rooms if not home. So when we got this sofa cum bed in January 2020 four our side of the flat, I wanted to buy furnishing of my choice. While I did not do it then thanks to my procrastination and now it is impossible to order anything- I have to make do with a slide for Abby, clothes drying up on racks and toys every where. Silver lining? We finally opened our wine glasses to drink coffee, used some cute cushions we already had! We also finally made our extra dead kitchen alive, to use it as a pantry to make Maggie, coffee and tea! 
• My husband is going to work from home for six months and hence, I am already dreaming about that slim study table I saw in one of the shops in Fort a few months back. I am actually in love with that piece of Mango Wood furniture! (Who can afford teak now?)
• Chitchatting with my Kaka and Kaki from US, still as exciting as ever. As soothing as ever. Never gets tiring- in fact it is warmer than ever! 
• I have started looking forward to our weekly big family hang outs. They are more interactive for me than before. One silver lining Covid-19 could bring!

I am sure there would be many more to come, looking at the ever extended lock down we are observing. Tell me one thing, even if economists warn us of poverty and unemployment- would you have a heart to go out if you have a baby at home?

I am not ready. Not ready at all.

I will live like this forever, if it keeps my baby healthy. Happily so.

April, You are weird!

It is my birthday month but since two consecutive years, it is one of the toughest months to deal with. Last year it was my pregnancy, early postpartum blue set up triggered by my mom's fracture. I am not sure how I survived through the phase, but this year it is more like a mini torture version of the same month. Amidst lockdown, which I do not mind to be honest and I do not have time to think about 'going out' and such fantasies, what is breaking my will is my work.

My work. Nature of projects. Intense pressure of getting revenue amidst covid-19. It is impossible to emerge as a winner with other overly time consuming responsibilities at home. But let me talk about, office. In my current office situation, I have one colleague and friend who is holding my hand and dragging me on the track, so that I dont give up. I literally work because she is there. and only because she is there. (Apart from my salary, obviously!) I do not even want to start cribbing about office politics and my ethics colliding like a nuclear bomb blast. I am about to resign - is what I tell myself every two hours and just dont.

Abby. Abby is 10 months old and no way I am compromising on the time I spend with him. I do all his work and of course, dont play as much as I would wish to but I make it a point to sing songs while making him eat, reading books to him, do some dance together etc. Sometimes I wonder, why did I take up the job? I have to do so many things with him at this point!

Get the point? I am into some weird zone called 'Decision Taking State'.

So, when I felt like blogging today, about my birthday. I thought of giving this background beforehand. And also, to note down in this place, how my average day tuned out to be a little special by my loved ones.

It was an amazing idea of my Sister-In-Law who managed to co-ordinate with our family and oh boy, it was good to know that so many people took time to wish me together in our zoom party! Infact, the Gajar Ka Halwa prepared by Kaki, which I consumed through the screen made a wild card entry in my dreams at night! I have to mention my crazy maternal family who also held a zoom party to wish me and then later on they tortured zoom with their nonstop laughing riots!

It was such a big change in the mood for me.  We all are social human beings, after all!

I remember myself thinking at night about all these special things, and what I wanted to in my life. Some old from the pending wish list and some new. Perspectives have changed with age and with this disruptive situations of covid-19.

Peace of mind definitely was on top with some materialistic happiness. April, as usual is tough in my mind. May be just like me?

Locked Down and Up Down

We seem to be living in a movie.No, well a reality. Crazy times.

If we survive, we can always refer ourselves as the ones who lived through Corona. The way we lived through Earthquake of Gujarat in 2001...(It would have been spooky if Corona would have happened in 2021! Look at the numbers!)

While the world is stretching itself to pass through this phase, which seems to be never ending- from the micro lens of life- I am almost passing one day at a time. For this working mother (yours truly) of a crawling 9.5 months old baby, becoming a super woman is a struggle, Ah, almost impossible.

In case you do not have patience, like me- skip the next part of this blog or well, get bored.

***

5.30-6.30 am- Abby decides when should I get up but generally it is 6 am. (No, please I can not get up earlier than this)- While he screams at the top of his voice till I pick him up and give him milk which involves rushing to the steriliser, make his formula, put his rocker on the bed, pick him up and give him milk. The hungry soul then becomes happy and settles down. This entire 15 minutes is A Stretch!

I pass our baby parcel to my father-in-law who in turn pass him to my mother-in-law if he is still in his pyjama. I leave the room only when he is little less irritating for my mother-in-law because ladies and gentle man, his hyper-ness Mr.Abby is all time high with energy and ready to just go all over in the morning. While his grand mother can control his energy only a bit. Ah, well. If we can divert him in playing with his toys, good- we are sorted. Then this mom goes back to work.

Work? Sterilising his breakfast set. Diaper trash. Preparing his laundry. Making his and our bed.

Then back to kitchen for tea. I love making tea- the way every person likes. I do make two types of tea separately so that nobody's morning gets spoilt. While every body enjoys tea, Mr.ISB manages Abby and I rush to take our morning meeting call.

Once it is done in 30 minutes. I prepare breakfast for Abby. Feed him. Clean utensils and high chair. Put him to bath. Dress him up. It is now 10.30 am already. I am yet to start my office work and ah, take bath. I take bath, fold clothes which are on the drying rack. Help in the kitchen for 20 minutes and prepare Abby's lunch. Oh my god, I need to work for office too! I realise.

I start working at 11.30 am and work for around 20 minutes because, hey Abby is hungry by then.

I feed him his lunch, Clean up his mess. Let him play till then and change his clothes and diaper. Stuff my stomach with lunch by 1 pm and get my ass off to work, because remember- you are yet to prove yourself at work. Mr.ISB then baby sits along with my in-laws till Mr.Abby decides to sleep.

I feel tired by now but I dont have time to even move from one room to another. I just work and work and work. And it is 3.45 pm already. I rush to prepare semi cooked fruit pieces or a shake for Abby who would have enjoyed, hopefully a good afternoon nap. I make him practice having milk in sippy cup and let him enjoy his fruit. Clean the mess, clean the baby. Make tea and pick up that mug- rush to work again.

It is 6 pm already. Adult clothes in the washing machines are done. I rush to put them on the drying rack. Clean the bathroom and kitchen. Keep Abby's nightdress ready and start preparing dinner for Abby. If mine and MIL's stars are promising - somebody else in the house will cook the dinner. However I wash utensils for all, clean Abby's mess. Change his clothes. Put him in Pyajamas. Prepare his cot for the night.

Get myself some food for dinner- mostly delicious if cooked by Mr.ISB. Try putting Abby to sleep, if fail- let my husband do the job after giving Abby his good night Formula. It would be 9.40 pm by then. I crave for some rest by now, I need time to relax but my office work.....?

I open the laptop, try finishing work. I open Pinterest, find awesome DIYs and wonder if ever I would be able to spend sometime on doing what I want. I realize, I need to take time to condition my hair since a week. Ah, I realize all my clothes are shitty. I also realize, I am sleepy and  I pray Abby does not get up too early, while dozing off.

***

Tell me is it sustainable? To live like this? for 15 days more?

Is it fair to Abby to let him miss his floor play time because every one wants to lift him and keep him in their laps? Is it fair to give him mobile phone (he does not understand anything except the lights coming out of the screen) because the person baby sitting is tired of chasing him?

It is fair to not to care for yourself? I do not like to even get clicked. Because I look like an old sack of clothes? Because, I do not know if I should invest in five more minutes to keep conditioner on my hair? Because, I do not have time to read a book , paint a card, blog a bit or even sing a song and dance?

I do not know. What do you think?

Chai Time Chitchat #21

Many things are happening. Right from Corona in Mumbai/India to Abby's Never ending (seems to me) viral infection. I am not sure from where to start.

I am incredibly stressful about Abby. He has become so so clingy, under-stably. He had high grade fever for three days and now since one day low grade fever. No, he has not shown any coughing or cold symptoms. Mostly like a stomach bug. (Who knows!) With Covid-19 around, it is so scary to take him to hospital. Keeping grandparents away from him is also next to impossible. (Mission Impossible 1 is to keep them home without warning them about Covid-19)

Home front. Home is a warm word, even if it is messy. It is dirty. However, I have realised depending on others to keep it clean is a joke on yourself. The moment your maid is on leave, the panic strikes the elderly because they have forgotten to share their responsibilities amongst family members hence now the pressure is ON. Only on specific people of the home. I would rather partner with my husband and do the cleaning while my baby plays in the cot/play pan or with the nanny. I am not sure why in India this simple act of taking/giving full ownership of domestics tasks is so so difficult?

Work front. Don't even ask. I have been asked to work on US projects along with India projects. It is impossible to do 38294837 things at home, 84375973 for Abby- give him attention and pacify him because he is teething/he is ill , squeeze in time to work in day- leave alone at night. I am this close to resign, because I have zero time to introspect. (Oh the irony!) I have all the time in my life to earn but  moments with my baby (because there are 1039208 people ready to raise him albeit in their own ways) and peacefulness in my life -none are coming back. I have literally done zero stuff for my health or personal development. Zero books, zero painting, zero work out and the world is sharing articles on killing time in lock down.

On a positive note, I have been constantly getting support from Mr.ISB to take rest, while he takes care of vaccuming our part of the flat, cleaning utensils at dinner (while I do it at lunch), cooking dinner (I do it with the help of my MIL for rest of the meals) and baby sitting Abby(which he always always did) We are trying to really pull this through.

What we are not able to is - convincing other members of the family to stop spreading news on Media, keep themselves locked down, stop worrying about the next grocery bill or taking out money.
We are 30+ years old and we can really really manage a family. Blah, nobody is listening. Parents, I tell you!

What's up with you guys? How is Corona Lock Down treating you?

Don't stop having Adarakh wali chai, alright?

Squeeze In?

How the hell do you squeeze in time for yourself? 

You get up at the time your baby gets up, who just want to hug you for ten minutes and as soon as you leave him, he wants to monkey around. 

You feed him, you feed yourself and others. Tea, ah well it is no more a therapeutic experience because you are on a stand by for others to have tea, so that you can peacefully clean your bedroom and get ready. You get your Ola and call your mom who obviously is more interested in talking about your baby. Sometimes she is worried for the sore throat and coughing you have since eternity but oh well, the worry fades away in a minute.

You reach office, have a cup of coffee while rebooting system and making a couple of phone calls. However, you do get ten minutes of peace if you order tea customized for you. However, it is on the mercy of the canteen manager. 

You hog on the lunch quickly while talking to friends you have made. Ten minutes of walk downstairs is something you use to network however the same set of friends do hear to your comments and inputs on 23786 things going in the office. 

You work your ass off and coordinate with those carpool riders to reach home on time or just stare at the browser till you get an expensive cab booked. You buy a couple things needed home, remove earrings in the elevator and enter, Boom!

The baby is happy, you are more than happy. You cuddle and you snuggle. Baby does not leave you and Nanny is packing the bag before time. Mother In Law goes out for a walk while you try to answer calls while playing with the baby. You remember, you had put the cooker on the stove, you remember the numbers of whistles and partially prepare the dinner while playing with the baby. Yes.

You feed the baby, freshen him up and make him wear his night suit. You read him a book and let others play with him while hogging on to the dinner. You put your baby to sleep and you want to sleep as well. But, you want me-time.

Just when you think about it, you get a reminder on an upcoming deadline. You again work and juggle between work, me-time and putting the baby back to sleep if he gets up. You just collapse on the bed, while checking if the alarm is on for 5am next morning.

I am not sure how to 'squeeze in time for myself', when that is what I get to hear when I am seen with droopy tired eyes and fuming mind!

1. Work out

2. A cup of coffee/tea in peace

3. A warm bath

4. A Small 15 mins reading session

How? How do super moms do around the world. How?

Abby Notes #8

Abby is 8 months old now and believe me, this is such a fun age. He blabbers, he tries to sing, he is very very expressive and oh boy, he hates it when you snatch his favourtie toy! Did I mention he is an unstoppable frog like creature! (What kind of a mom am I, calling him a frog? hhahahaha)

Abby has been a good child when it comes to being home with my MIL and his nanny while I am at office. I used to secretly feel bad that he does not really need me amidst all the love he gets from every one. Oh Boy, how wrong I was.

Abby was down last week with Viral. From a day before the week, he suddenly started coming to me by demand. Little less I knew, he would not go away from me for a minute when he was under the effect of Viral fever. I realised, may be the mom connection is too strong even if a baby gets all the love in the world. There is something definitely in the mom-love, I am sure. It is not biological for sure, it comes from within. And... by the way, It broke my heart into tiny pieces whenever the thermometer showed high temperature.

However, after a fight of 1.5 days he had started recovering and he did not waste one minute in compensating the loss of his active time during the illness. In fact, my FIL today declared that one person alone at home, can not- just can not handle him. And when he (who is blindly in love with our baby) says that.... You know how it is!

He has started developing retention power in the memory department too. Our 'The most favourite' Kaka Kaki from US came back from their trip to Kerala after 10 days and this time, they were greeted with a smile. And believe me, It was such a warm feeling seeing three of them together, spending time with each other. One of those moments when you want to freeze time.

Abby now crawls, wants to play on the floor and exactly not on the playmat! He wants to touch, feel and collide with everything. If possible bang things on other things- Do you get the gist? Did I tell you he loves playing 'Tabla' on his drum, boxes, glass top table and ah well, on my shoulders too?

This month, Abby also received gorgeous gifts from our Kaka Kaki (Can you see the mommy happier than the baby? Of course!) This wanna be elegant but messy mommy who has given up even putting a good bed cover on the bed, was super excited to see cute bedsheets and clothes for Abby. Can I just show you pictures of the gorgeous books he has got? Oh well, that needs a separate post!

I can not wait to read out stories I have grown up listening to. I can not wait for our next Ahmedabad trip (God knows when it is coming though!), I am excited to take Abhimanyu to some where out side India. Before these days arrive in my life, I every day wish for his good health and ....

His good night sleep, sharp at 9.15 pm. Thank you :D

A Sunny Day Rambling

New motherhood comes with no me-time. Almost. It also comes with a lot of loneliness, questions, issues and sleep deprivation. Just when you think you are settling once your baby is six months old, you get busy with office. Sometimes it comes with staff management, family management and also your own expertise in not stepping up for yourself and just over think about issues.

However, sometimes you see a silver-lining too. You get to talk to your favourite people and feel good. Even if it is for a while. Sometimes you just Whatsapp or mail such people and feel good...And sometimes your favourite people come to meet you from US of A and also your husband manages to push you to spend time with them. An entire day. Without worrying about your baby, home, in-laws, parents other family members. Now, that is a line full of diamonds and not a silver-line!

Because I am writing with such gusto about it, obviously it happened. Yesterday. I spent almost a whole day with my most favourite people in the world - Kaka and Kaki. That too, how? Visiting Kalaghoda Festival, window shopping and shopping, visiting a book store and discuss a lot about life in general! Ah, also- We had coffee, lunch, tea and coffee together, in that order. I mean, even in my dreams I don't get people like me who can really roam about for such things in life!

I almost felt like a little girl talking to best friends who can sort every issue she has in life. Just talking to them reminds me that I can be a lot better as a person that what I am. I can be a lot better at sorting myself out than I am. And not in a negative way, but in a very positive way.

I do not have to think twice before asking them a thing. I just feel the wavelength and believe me, irrespective of relationship other members of my family share with them- I just adore them, I respect them and I look upto them - all the time.

My family has gone though tough times in last 3 years. Abby has been a blessing for them. However, we as a couple were always under the judgemental eyes of society and family on how we are supporting other members of the family. Possibly rightly so. However we both husband and wife are now feeling bogged down by the load with our brand new baby. If somebody can sooth me from this entire situation, than it is them.

I can not forget how I can talk on and on and on and on about anything under the sun with them. Movies, Books, Art, Science, Mythology, Cooking, Religion, Parenting, Fashion, Gadgets, Coffee, Tea, Food, Decor, Relationships. Name it, and I will add it.

They are the perfect combination of a set of parents with an understanding of friends. I love my both sets of parents, but they are the third set - Dear to me. (Not in that order!)

That one super power I believe in, sometimes just showers sunshine on me.

They are my Sunshine and who does not like a Sunny Day?