Chaitime Chitchat #24

It has been seriously ages since I posted anything and no, it is not that I had nothing to say. I had no energy and today when I am typing this Abby is struggling with sleep regression and Mr.ISB is helping me to go through this chaos,  after his working weekends, so that I do not lose my shit forever. Seriously.

It has been a hell of a ride so far in COVID months of Aug, Sept and Oct 2020. There are primarily two major streams blocking my mind 24*7 (almost) - which causes  The cognitive load. 1) Abby and his routine, tantrums and milestones 2) Office. Office and Office 3) Home Management - where we do share load so to speak but cooking, cleaning and everything else takes lion share of my day- close to 30%. At 8 pm, if Abby does not go to sleep- the cognitive load reaches to the peak when my sanity goes for a toss. Step in - Daddy Dearest. However our child since last month thinks he SHOULD have his mom near by him if he happens to open his eyes between his sleep cycles. Oh well. Office work post 8pm- goes out of the window, because hey, I do need minimum 15 minutes of a stretch to focus on my work. 

We as a couple have decided that it is only fair to take a break so that I can find another opportunity post January 2021. (Read: While doing everything I am 'supposed' to do) Without a cook, a proper maid, a nanny- it is getting extremely tiring to manage myself, because we live in an Indian Society. No, my in-laws are very caring and my husband is too- infact the greates feminist/Gender Neutral person I know, but we all have been conditioned so deep that what remains is a Daughter-in-law who has been 'motivated' to not to give up on her high pay job but expected to do 50% household stuff (rest is done by MIL), raise a baby and not a single word is uttered when males of the family decide to get glued on the sofa asking for various dishes/drinks. (Okay, I am being honest here, covid has brought some sort of positive changes in them as well but now that covid ignorance era has started- everybody is loaded in the professional life. Hence we lose feminism right there!)

Enough of depressive stuff. Let me tell you the fun stuff.

I am looking forward to my freedom from the job I absolutely dislike because of no respect shown towards others' lives. I am looking forward to paint, read and probably work on my health. I am looking forward to spend quality time with Abby without stressing about what is happening at work. 

Is it okay if I want to feel free and breath in fresh air? 

No, I am not going to sacrifice my career and financial freedom at all. For that, I need sometime. Is it okay to take it?

Chai Time Chitchat #23

Oh, I can not believe it took so so many days (I did not dare to check how many) to blog something here. Not that I did not feel like, just that I am literally in need of 25th hour in the day. I assume it is the story with every young working mother, oh well may be a mother for that matter.

On work front, I am fighting for my job, goals, ambitions and trying to up the game (even if the efforts on daily basis is minuscule but it counts right?) I have been reading plethora of Business Books to get inspired to just develop some new skill sets, how? Did not I mention, I dont have time? I read while cooking, having tea, while drying clothes (Yeahhh!), eating and what not. I have to really do it this way? Probably no, but, is it making me happy? Super yes.

On home front, my hands are full with Abby- ah and his clothes, meals, diapers, toys, books etc! While I have a support system who can be a nanny for an hour at a time, mostly I am the Nanny now who disappears time to time to work for office and home. Obviously, the lock down came with letting go of control on what to make him eat, which food to introduce but I guess we do not have an option here when the Grandfather makes sure that even if he eats 'Farsan', some of it should be given to Abby. Even if it is his dinner time? Ah, well. No points for guessing, I do get frustrated. I rant and then I move on. After all, grand parents are essential in the development of a kid. 

However, even Dada Dadi are not getting exhausted after chasing this monkey after half and hour. It is impossibly tiring and believe me, I am just on the edge of collapsing every evening- just to get up and don't give up next morning. 

About Festivals? Rakhi and Janmashtami arrived, we did dress up him but what was one stark difference between rest of my life and this year? I was almost washed out in messy baby food flavoured clothes. In zero mood to even get clicked. Not that anyone bothered but then it was my choice. (Whatever it means!)

I wonder how easy it is for mothers to forget their wellbeing! I have negligible me time- forget about working out or focusing on drinking enough water or follow a better diet. There is literally no solution to this burn out but we have to take one day at a time.

I was not surprised when people ask these days on zoom calls or on personal visits (maintaining social distance) that if I am sick and sleep deprived.

Hello Dark Circles. We have not met before!

Bond and Bound

So, while discussing my god forbid 8493589437th take on marriages and live in relationships..

Bubblegum: Do not really be surprised but I do believe now, that if we were unmarried and I would meet you now, it would have been easy to convince me for a live in relationship before the marriage. 

(It would take another post for me to confront that I was quite traditional on the subject matter when Mr.ISB had proposed to stay in a live in relationship - which was just to make sure that I really wanted to marry him, or wait, was he serious? Guess, we would never know?

Mr.ISB: Are you mad or what? You would have left me in flat two days if we would be in a live in relationship. This marriage (by law or by whatever the promises we made socially) has made sure that you stick to me! (Referring to his messy lazy self and my OCDish self)

Bubblegum: *Rolling Eyes*

Marriage is a Bond of love? Or, are we bounded by law/rituals?

Guess we would never know?

Hahahaha! 

Abby Notes # 9

Time flies or not. Abby is ONE!

Last two months were not eventful with domestic duties and professional duties, they were largely manageable because I could witness all the milestones of Abby I wanted to.

He crawled faster, he had terribly teething just when lockdown was announced. He started standing up pulling himself by taking support of sofas, tables, humans, walls and sometimes even curtains! He, now tries walking sometimes but who cares. He can now call his Daddy - 'Baba', he can call his 'Mumma' and paternal grandfather plus everything around 'Dada'! Oh yes, he also 'Yayayaya's when he is happy!

He almost gulps down adult simple food, while his Baba also made him taste Lemon, Lemon juice, Dark Chocolate, Yogurt and Onion Raw mango salad. By the way, he loves each of these things. His Baba did some under cover Ice cream tasting party with him as well as per my observation. He loves his oats with Almond butter. He loves Plums, Blueberries apart from Apples and Pears. In fact, we were almost zeroing down on giving him Bananas (For real) for cake banana smash on his birthday. Banana love and Mom love are of the same level for Abby, you see.

We had three zoom parties on his birthday. While we count our blessings, lockdown made us work a tad bit more than my capacity - hence the mother and the baby both collapsed on the bed right at 8pm, which by the way is just a half and hour early for the baby. Well, for the mother it is a different story.

We missed my parents a LOT. A LOT. They deserved to be here but for the better good, we had to just share our joy on Zoom. I am sure the super power there somewhere will let them celebrate their grand kid's birthday, face to face some day. (Or may be next year)

I have a long list of gifts we have received, ordered and we are receiving for Abby but believe me, I want to do more and spend quality time with him. He is being more fun day by day, specially when he points out at stuff and tries to give his opinions till you say 'hmmm'!

Oh well, we are a production of two highly opinionated individuals. What did you expect?

Chai time Chitchat #22

Are you ready with the ginger infused , strong Indian Tea? Pull a chair. I am going to just talk a lot today.

Lockdown is being relaxed however we assume Mumbai will be burning with Covid-19. However, I am here not to shed any negativity but let me tell you one thing, I am liking it. After all the fatigue, hectic schedule, turmoils inside me. I am liking it. Tell you why? I take time for myself after Abby sleeps and do a bit of what I want to do.

I have propagated 6 plants so far for my window balcony. I have plans to create some shelves for books, pots and plants and hence I am going to be gifted with Bosch 500W drill set by Mr.ISB. ( Do not roll you eyes. We are big fans of DIY!) I mostly should use it this year! (Hahahaha, because it took 6 months for me to take out time to start gardening and maintain the garden!)

I am able to spend some time with Abby, mostly teaching him to feed himself- read him some stories even if it means a break every few seconds, chasing him to not to eat that small particle of dust he could see on the floor and of course seeing him having fun with both sets of grandparents (In presence and in Video Presence) and mainly with his Baba (Mr.ISB)

I am able to watch one episode of any web series I want once Abby is asleep at 8.30 pm and which means a lot because when I used to go to office- the only thing I could do to either collapse or just open my laptop and prove myself at work. (It is on another post how things are messy on work front)

I aim to paint something this month. Atleast one small painting?
I aim to take out a glass of wine and pour some Irish Baileys which somebody would gift to me, I assume! (Wicked smile here!)
I aim to have design a slick study table for my Husband so that he can keep the bed clean? Because hey he is working from home forever!
I aim to sip on some Chamomile Tea if nothing works on the Baileys front! (Always have plan B?)

How do you plan to revive yourself?

Locked Down, Not Bogged Down

Let me be honest. I never got tired of lockdown honestly. I have this thing, once I decide to 'like' something or decide to 'sustain' something- nobody can pull me down. So, with two senior citizens and a small baby at home, there was no way I would desperately feel like 'going out'. No.

What troubles me is the fatigue. The pressure to work from home, at home and clean up the mess which automatically gets generated every half and hour by adults of the family. About Abby, I am loving every moment I spend with him. With his curiosity and amazing grasping power, he changes my mood in plain 2 minutes (unless he is resisting sleep, which is a topic for a separate blog!)

I know, I have previously blogged about how busy and tiring my day is (to me) which ruins my peace of mind and happiness. However, there are tiny moments of happiness and love I go through every day. Today is the day to seize them and write about them, so after ten years when I read about the 'Lockdown', I do not remember 'only' the painful time and fatigue here.

• I love making Abby eat different food and develop his taste buds! Lemon, Oranges, Neem Juice and what not. He loves Bananas, Apples, Mangoes, Kiwis, Oats, Rotis, Halwas and oh god, almost everything. He seems to have a sweet tooth but our halwas and laddus do not have sugar- Go figure! Ah, Oats are so bland that only both of us can have it and enjoy it as well. (I am the one with those taste buds!) So, it is an exciting ride till he starts finding all the junk in the world.
• I love it when I take bath once in a day or twice if I am lucky. Serious! Even if I am always rushing- the feeling of warm water touching my tired muscles --I have never experienced those feelings before. Looks like my body is asking for rest and when it does not get it, it sort of enjoys such little relaxing minutes. 
• I love talking to my Singapore friend A who is also my colleague. We chat an entire day to sustain our everyday assignments which are basically nothing but stuff in the pressure cooker- you never know when you would need a whistle! 
• I love reading books to Abby, as much as I want to do it for a longer period of time. I understand, possibly this is the maximum chunk I can bargain from life.
• I love dancing with him, he though just uses his hands and sometimes try to jump holding to the railings of his cot but believe me, if this fatigue was not there- I would have gone all out of dancing and be happy about the 'work out'!
• I have these dreams of setting up my own home, okay rooms if not home. So when we got this sofa cum bed in January 2020 four our side of the flat, I wanted to buy furnishing of my choice. While I did not do it then thanks to my procrastination and now it is impossible to order anything- I have to make do with a slide for Abby, clothes drying up on racks and toys every where. Silver lining? We finally opened our wine glasses to drink coffee, used some cute cushions we already had! We also finally made our extra dead kitchen alive, to use it as a pantry to make Maggie, coffee and tea! 
• My husband is going to work from home for six months and hence, I am already dreaming about that slim study table I saw in one of the shops in Fort a few months back. I am actually in love with that piece of Mango Wood furniture! (Who can afford teak now?)
• Chitchatting with my Kaka and Kaki from US, still as exciting as ever. As soothing as ever. Never gets tiring- in fact it is warmer than ever! 
• I have started looking forward to our weekly big family hang outs. They are more interactive for me than before. One silver lining Covid-19 could bring!

I am sure there would be many more to come, looking at the ever extended lock down we are observing. Tell me one thing, even if economists warn us of poverty and unemployment- would you have a heart to go out if you have a baby at home?

I am not ready. Not ready at all.

I will live like this forever, if it keeps my baby healthy. Happily so.

April, You are weird!

It is my birthday month but since two consecutive years, it is one of the toughest months to deal with. Last year it was my pregnancy, early postpartum blue set up triggered by my mom's fracture. I am not sure how I survived through the phase, but this year it is more like a mini torture version of the same month. Amidst lockdown, which I do not mind to be honest and I do not have time to think about 'going out' and such fantasies, what is breaking my will is my work.

My work. Nature of projects. Intense pressure of getting revenue amidst covid-19. It is impossible to emerge as a winner with other overly time consuming responsibilities at home. But let me talk about, office. In my current office situation, I have one colleague and friend who is holding my hand and dragging me on the track, so that I dont give up. I literally work because she is there. and only because she is there. (Apart from my salary, obviously!) I do not even want to start cribbing about office politics and my ethics colliding like a nuclear bomb blast. I am about to resign - is what I tell myself every two hours and just dont.

Abby. Abby is 10 months old and no way I am compromising on the time I spend with him. I do all his work and of course, dont play as much as I would wish to but I make it a point to sing songs while making him eat, reading books to him, do some dance together etc. Sometimes I wonder, why did I take up the job? I have to do so many things with him at this point!

Get the point? I am into some weird zone called 'Decision Taking State'.

So, when I felt like blogging today, about my birthday. I thought of giving this background beforehand. And also, to note down in this place, how my average day tuned out to be a little special by my loved ones.

It was an amazing idea of my Sister-In-Law who managed to co-ordinate with our family and oh boy, it was good to know that so many people took time to wish me together in our zoom party! Infact, the Gajar Ka Halwa prepared by Kaki, which I consumed through the screen made a wild card entry in my dreams at night! I have to mention my crazy maternal family who also held a zoom party to wish me and then later on they tortured zoom with their nonstop laughing riots!

It was such a big change in the mood for me.  We all are social human beings, after all!

I remember myself thinking at night about all these special things, and what I wanted to in my life. Some old from the pending wish list and some new. Perspectives have changed with age and with this disruptive situations of covid-19.

Peace of mind definitely was on top with some materialistic happiness. April, as usual is tough in my mind. May be just like me?