A for Anxiety

No, I do not mean to start April with this negative word. I would rather put this post as a result of introspection. Sometimes, in life you reach a junction when you feel blessed and anxious both - for decisions you have taken so far, even when you are seemingly doing just fine. Knowing what makes you anxious, is one step towards resolving the situation. At least, that is what I believe.

I also believe, I am personally not afraid of anything in the world but there are a few things which make me panic like nothing else. At the age of 30, I have figure out what are they. I might succumb to them or float around, I just want to some day come back to this post and happily note the progress. Here we go..

People I love, not feeling well: This includes even friends and family both. I sometimes can not stop thinking about them if they are not well and if I come to know about it. People have stopped informing me if there is some minor thing bothering their health, but that makes me even more depressed. From a person who as a kid, took decisions in the time of crisis with utmost maturity when accidents happened with her maternal and paternal grandparents- this is unexpected. I am trying to fight such anxieties, by focusing on helping them as well as diverting my mind towards other things which matter as well. With age we ought to accept that such fall backs are going to happen.

Social Rituals & Traditions: I like traditions, however ones with baggage are something I escape from. Specially, where society is unfair. Where comparisons happen. Where gifts are exchanged as a part of tradition and not by love. Expectations are set without any logic. I despise them and to some extent now I am tired of trying to change them. It also affects the relationships you want to cherish forever. Sadly, India seems like the last country ever changing on that front.

Not Being Able To Perform Well Professionally: Or feeling helpless about it. Nothing is scarier when it comes to my professional. I have made certain decisions in my life which kept me and people around me happy for quite some time, in every aspect. However, not going out of the comfort zone for various reasons when the time was right, has resulted in a situation where I am constantly afraid of not doing well in my career. If I conquer this, I know in my heart that I would fulfill my dreams one day. Sooner or Later.

Religious Stubbornness:  The biggest ever anxiety trigger. Coming from a family, hardly religious, this war with religious stubbornness is more than disturbing for me in the adulthood. Specially when you are asked to follow certain religious tasks subtly but with enough intensity. A person like me, who is scared of hurting people would let it pile up and vent it out on incorrect people. Every single time. But what is the root cause? Religious people who enforce their beliefs just because society performed some sort of blood transfusion to convert you post 25. I also understand it is my own stubbornness of not converting my live-life-as-per-your-rules belief into somebody else's belief, which creates anxiety. However, I do not think I can find a way to feel peace and keep people happy together.

Oh well, now when I have typed enough on 'Anxiety', I know a temporary medicine to relieve myself. Blogging about the trigger. Even if it is short lived.

It just makes me realize that spoiling peace of mind with the anxious cloud hovering around, is not worth it for any of the reasons above.

Can we learn to ignore all of them, Please?

Chai Time Chitchat #18

It has been a roller coaster ride. Life is either a lull or a roller coaster for me and believe me, this time it looks like a ride. One Hell of a Ride.

Give yourself a couple of cups of Adarakhwali Chai and just listen to me!

Life is chasing God Speed,  I feel. Functions to attend, Changing office dynamics,  Hundred uncertainties, Change of location for a few months (soon to be happening), scary advises, scarier consequences, my stubbornness to live my life as per my condition (I was always like that, however I always kept my mouth sealed and mostly gave up) - Personally and Professionally things are changing. However, this time I have decided to focus on 'What I like' than 'What others would judge'! Let me see how much peace I can bring to myself without affecting my environment too much.

We have a Puja at home to perform and well, there are these never ending list of traditions which I might have to follow and as a couple we feel (Bubblegum > Mr.ISB ) these things are just putting us off. Buying a new Saree to selecting one more from the existing wardrobe, getting blouses ready, guest coordination, guest invites, return gifts, packaging of gifts, booking a hall and a caterer, setting up a menu, stay for guests and guess what, I am moving to my home town for a few months - so yes, packing! My energy levels are down to even spike the excitement but I guess I will sail through. However I hope there is no last minute additions in the plan, likely when negative perks of having indecisive minds around me when I myself can not start a confrontation. 

Office life is dull and challenging. Oxymoron they might sound, but I have been not given a single perk of being the senior most core team member of the startup (apart from an entry to director's wash room! Yeah, there is a thing!) which refuses to go for fund raising. This, after working my best ever and performing as well. Truth to be told, they have confirmed that they wont be able to give me growth further as they themselves are not having any future plans hence, it is time to pack the bag mostly. How long can you work for a company without a vision, even if it sustain and grows? This has to be done in a way where I don't burn bridges as I do think they are the best minds I have ever worked with. Paying for it then...

Surprisingly, I have not taken any art DIY in my hands since five months now. There is some inertia affecting me, apart from fatigue coming uninvited every evening in my life. I hope I can do something about this when I go to Ahmedabad for a sabbatical apart from doing other hundred things I have planned. 

However, April is coming in. Birthday month and A-Z Blogathon. Yeah, I am in for the challenge. 

Zone or Zen

If you would have met me when I was little over four years , I would look like an introvert and shy kid. If at 13, little shy but not too introvert. At 21, super extrovert and bold, aiming high in life. At 25, I would seem that I have friends in every corner of the city I have ever been deputed to (thanks to the job) and at 28- I had kon-maried many friends. Sheesh!

No, serious! It was the year of wedding when I failed to cope up with too many friendships. I started being selective about friends and if you are reading this and still has managed to be my Hi Hello friend - oh yes, buddy - you are the lucky one. (Now when I am 30, well- I have started konmaried relatives too!) And, believe me I was so relaxed after the selection of relationships I had attempted to make.

My husband said I was never a Naturale at being that extrovert, when it comes to my social life, I was always picky about people I really gel well with. It was that ingrained Indian mentality which stopped me from not being social, even if I don't like to be one at certain point of time.

This year, I am slowly noticing a serious change in me (Good for me, bad for social relations!) - I do not like to be taken for granted any more. I am investing more in relationships which are important to me or the ones which spark joy in me. I have suddenly become the person who is in no mood to wear a mask- If they are relatives and I do not like them, well they will get a smile but I can not be pushed to act like that good daughter/daughter in law who would talk to them for hours even when she doesn't feel like doing it.

Then there is this every day life. In the office and at home, I am becoming less involved in social interactions to call me a perfect extrovert. I know with whom I can spend hours just chatting and with whom, I would like to go formal/ do basic duties of being in a certain role. I do not think there was any single event which triggered it but I am just following my heart more often. (Not that I escape from confusions and guilt for not obeying rules laid by the judgmental society)

I have also noticed myself loving my own company a lot more than ever. I don't need people around me all the time. I grab smallest possible opportunity to spend with myself or having a silent date with Mr.ISB (Oh yes there is a thing! Both of you enjoy solitude - yet you are in the same room, feeling connected)

There is this amazing peace within me, most of the times when I can do what I want do in terms of my social life and interactions. No forceful social conversations, no wearing mask. Enjoying company and conversations with people I love...

...Including myself.

My own Zone or Zen.

Registering Mishap

When I say, we are very different individuals in this relationship called Marriage- it is not really an exaggeration.

I am a fireball, He is the fire extinguisher;
I am an emotional fool, He is too logical to be that;
I am reactive, He responds to situations;
I plan and achieve, He is an impromptu performer ;
I like to keep things organized, He loves constructing mess out of nothing.

And hence, while we both have managed to travel to the middle line of the actual gap sometimes organically- we have several guidelines (unsaid) to achieve peace in life. (Needless to say, we follow them only sometimes)

One such unsaid rule for him is to adhere to the statement of requirements, given regarding de-cluttering our bed room in the morning. The rules are as simple as, 'Putting his clothes to be washed in the washing machine', 'Switching off the geyser','Placing his folded dried clothes from the hall to his wardrobe'. No Rocket Science! However, like a true geek who can detect a minor change in numbers and patterns from a huge data base- he barely can register these tasks undone. So, I have a habit of instructing him every now and then- with a wish that it would become a habit. (The first rule of putting clothes in the washing machine is now a habit after 4.5 years of training!)

So today in the morning, while mentoring him...

Bubblegum: Hey, please bring the entire pile of folded clothes from the hall when you pick your towel (from the a pile!).. Need to place that entire bunch in your wardrobe.

Now, with a wish that he would detect that the folded towel he is taking is a part of a pile of his own freshly washed and dried clothes- I always segregate folded clothes in piles and every pile either belongs to an individual or belongs to house keeping.

Now, after exactly one minute- just like an obedient husband trying to keep sanity of his wife in place I hear him entering the room from the hall.

And what did I see?

He was carrying around four piles of clothes (belonging to every one) one over other and was about to rush to his wardrobe to place them inside (?)

I could not believe my eyes!

He had failed to register that all of these clothes do not belong to him and need not go inside his wardrobe.

Sheesh!

:|

Tiny Tales - Love from Ahmedabad

Ah, I should have put a declaimer on title that these tales drafted during the stay, might be irrelevant to readers but I need to document them!

***

My brother has grown up.
I asked him to move my heavy trolley bag for the umpteenth time.
He did not ask me to maintain my status quo as 'A girl who can do anything just like a guy.'
He kept mum and shifted the bag again.

***

Masi and the cousin brought all of their heavy clothes home. So that we can wear anything we like from the treasure, in oh so many functions and parties planned at the family wedding.
Masa, Dad and Mama kept on yawning at the speed with which we were deciding what to wear and when?
They are pros at yawning while we do this. Thanks to all my Masis, they have been trained well.

***

My husband survived that bland Khichadi at home, because we were tired of the wedding food after 7 days.
Also because, he is too shy to declare his hatred for bland food or Khichadi in front of my mom.
Ah, also I did not tell my mom about his feelings regarding Khichadi- just to make fun of him.
I'm sorry Mr.ISB! Hehuahuahauhaua.

***

Not in my life, I had tasted such tasty Sabji of Guava.
We all sat together to decipher the recipe.
Conclusion: A little bit of ginger and chili paste in the Sabji can work wonders!

***

He served me the Sabji. I took it and read the name- Kaju Karela!!
Oh my God, what did I take.
I decided that at the age of 30, it is time to develop the guts to try it, now that it has been already served.
Expressions after eating the first morsel: DELICIOUS! What the heck I have missed in my life!

***

My Dad and Mr. ISB were spending the 20th minute on Amazon to search that terribly named German brand of Nut and Garlic Slicer.
I was in love with the way it slices nuts to mix in the hot milk, a cup full of which I gobbled every night during my stay. (Prepared by the chief chef at home- My Dad!)
We got the slicer yesterday at Mumbai, ordered by Mr.ISB!
Mugambo Khush Hua!

***

I got to witness my 'reserved in nature' two years old niece throwing tantrums on a drop of a hat.
All Aunties discussing with my mom, how she is like the kiddo-me for the hundredth time.
Well.....Well.........

***
 My nephew (Collectively named as Taimur of our family) entering the first ever pre-wedding function he was going to attend- surrounding oh-so-many people.

Just when we thought that for a 7 years old, it might be a trigger to go cranky...

He started smiling looking so many focusing him. Almost virtually giving flying kisses to every one!

Never heard him crying even once during those 5 days. Lucky Parents!

***

An aunty pointing towards me, introduced her daughter- "Meet the Bride."
I cracked up , "Nooooooo"
Aunty suddenly realized the mistake, "Sorry Sorry!"
The Bride and yours truly smiling. We don't think that we look that similar any more, but we had experienced this before many times!
It is the relation which can make you look like each other. Blood line- not so much!

***

My eldest V Fai who is now 86, wanted to click a picture with the bride and the groom in the Mandap, which was on a stage. She has been using a walker to support her lately and so while she was moving fast towards the stage, my dad and another uncle just started to rush to help her climb that one step to reach the stage.

Before they reach, my confident Fai lifted the walker on her own and climbed up in a micro second. After another second of breath in our mouth....every one witnessing the event started laughing! This is my V Fai for you guys - forever managing her own way out of issues. 

Conquering The Comfort Food

After believing that I would never get my cooking mojo back for almost 2 years, I suddenly had these 'Cravings to Cook' yesterday.

Now if you know me, I am not the one who wants to cook every single day with the same 100% involvement. One Reason: I can not cater to large spectrum of food-type requirements by the entire family, every day. 'Wish to Cook' for me, should come from within- or else it is an every day chore.

The family I am coming from is full of foodies, but is a stickler for discipline- whatever is cooked, is generally consumed without being fussy or passing on a comment on how delicious it does not taste. (Because, hey- Diabetes and BP in the family do not generally want you to have delicious food! Haha!) Now, in 2014 I got married to a man who is a foodie and also a taste-fussy guy (now, a little less thanks- to yours truly) Pleasing his taste buds is not an easy thing. (Who cares every day about it though!) The same trait is shared by my dad-in-law, however I am mostly forgiven from his fussiness. My Mom-in-law (who herself follows certain food restrictions) somehow strives with a unique mixture of attitudes- I-don't-care-attitude and I-am-stressed-what-would-they-like-attitude.

So, when yesterday I decided to cook something of my choice (thanks to the 'Crave to Cook' Phenomenon) , as my Mother-in-law is out of town- I had two major challenges:

1. My Dad-in-law should like it. It was not too tough. He is generally not fussy when I cook and a little bit of spice and chilly would please him anyway.
2. My own Husband should like it too. Not that easy, if he already likes the dish made by some one else or from some where outside.

I zeroed down to Palakh Khichadi. Mr.ISB loves Khichadis made in restaurants only, hence it was a risk but I was up for making a mean Palak Khichadi anyway!

In the evening, I shopped for required vegetables and headed home while browsing recipes online in the cab. I was excited as I had my favorite gang of vegetables to my help: Garlic, Ginger and Onions!

After 1.5 hour of relishing cooking while listening to songs - Palak Khichadi was ready to serve to my dad-in-law who immediately had smelt that something 'nice' was being cooked from the lobby.
I waited patiently for his reaction when he tried first spoonful of Khichadi.  "Wah Wah", I was relieved.

Next challenge was Mr.ISB , while serving my husband I secretly prayed the super power. He, himself looked nervous as homemade Palakh Khichadi was a disaster years ago.

He served himself some Khichadi, smelt it and tried it.

"Wow!! Seriously Nice!"

Challenge-2 conquered.

I went numb afterwards. I was busy doing virtual victory dance, while my taste buds were relishing the dish...

Resolutions 2019!

So, let me start the Hisab of the resolutions I had made in 2018 for the year and how I performed, before I start penning down my goals for 2019.

Let me just say, on the health front I won several times after a couple of failures. I could follow 4/5 resolutions and well, the one I did not perform well was the 5th one. I did not start cooking the way I would have liked to. While I do not want to argue with affecting parameters, I do not have the bandwidth to get into the cooking mode for various reasons. I would just let me go easy this year on cooking front. Atleast for a while.

On personal goals - I got 3/5. Driving and Gardening- are a miss. They are not going to be there in the resolutions I would make this year anyway. I am sure some day, I would write a post about the situation which is a root cause but hell, I performed well on personal goals too. Let me feel good about myself ;-)

While I was thinking of skipping this entire making resolutions session for this year, I realized putting concrete to-dos make me competitive and the joy of ticking off is just too enjoyable for me to miss. (*I can see my husband rolling his eyes*) So let me start with a goal sheet where there is no bifurcation of professional and personal goals.

1. Keep Activity Level High.Cleaning rooms and closets ( No giving up this year, hygiene is the anyway the important factor now for yours truly), Regular walks in the evening, 10 minute walks several times during office hours etc.

2. Co-work More. I have been very fortunate that Mr.ISB is one of the most gender neutral and understanding person when it comes to chores, even when in traditional Indian set up boys are rarely taught to share domestic responsibilities. I believe sharing house hold and financial load always create mutual respect and care towards each other in a couple and kids if any (On a different note, guys who can cook a mean dish or two are sexy, I truly believe!) - So even if I am a person who has an OCD and Mr.ISB can not even register mess- I wish we could do household chores together in a fashion that it becomes fun.

3. De-clutter. I am sure, Mr.ISB hands down win when it comes to keeping a minimalist wardrobe. This year, I am going to throw out every piece of dress (except from the pretty category called 'Sarees') which was not used after January 2018. I am not joking - we tend to cling to such clutter in the hope that one day 'that thing' would be useful and well, it does not happen. Time to donate to people who actually need them! Not only clothes- random stuff bought in impulse, cosmetics, accessories, all those things, which we thought are going to be useful before 5 years!

4. Recycle More: I do not want to listen from the next generation that I did not do anything to reduce the use of plastic, did not recycle even paper bags more and my stubbornness has created problems for them. I certainly don't want them to worry about it (Which looks like a hypothetical situation right now!) India (Read: Indian Aunties and Uncles) lags behind on this front- Unless and until you float religious flags and threats of cancer epidemics for them on social media, they hardly worry about it. Even when they are now replacing plastic Dabbas and tiffin boxes with steel products - when it comes to buying those plastic Diwali and Christmas - disposable decorations, gift articles which would be tossed out of the window just to live in the landfill forever- we Indians are all over. Who are interested in decorating actual plants and using earthen Diyas any more? So 2019, be the year where I would do my part.

5. Three Personal Projects: There is no other better way than taking up personal projects to upgrade yourself. It can be a work of art or coding, constructing something or cooking. Whatever suits. I would want to blog more often, Write more often, learn to use Procreate on Ipad, may be sew? Minimum 3 new skills I need to build or develop further in 2019.

Did you make your 2019 goals or giving it a pass?

:-)