D for Dreams, Ah Day Dreams

When Martin Luther King had declared that, he has a dream..A few of my ancestor were surely laughing. Because after years, they got this daughter in the family who would just replace this powerful word called 'Dream' into 'Day Dream', more than often. (Or most of the times!)

Day dreaming, for me is passion. Most of my realized dreams are generally small numbers of conversions I made in life. Conversion of a day dream into a dream into the reality,but I am not going to talk about the minority of them. I am going to talk about this passion and the zillions of day dreams I have in my eyes for next few years. (Oh yes, if D is for Day dreams- I is for Inertia!)

-Home Decor: I wish I can create my own space in my hall and bedroom- in my own style. The issue is my taste is very different than most of the members of the family. And my husband can live out of a hut and WiFi connection too. Hence, I succumb to day dreaming before taking any action in going towards the implementation. How I wish I can convert those pending projects like making curtains from sarees, buying a slick teak wood study table, designing book cabinets with glass doors, using wood stain gel to color the furniture etc into reality. As of now they are a big chunk of my day dreaming mood.

-DIYs: Don't even think about asking, why I have stopped doing anything about them and have added into my day dreaming session. Fatigue. I am so so tired by evening to I even touch my craft goods. I am not able to even think about a project in detail. I am only day dreaming about putting colored tiles with white cement on those n numbers of wine bottles for my garden.

-Stitching/Knitting: I dream about starting with them. Stitching is out of question in Mumbai as the sewing machine is at home in Ahmedabad. Hence, I should some day not only day dream but really work on stitching part now when I would spend some months there. Knitting is something, which needs a lot of patience to even day dream! However inertia in day dreaming is easy to recover from. Khi Khi Khi...

-Data Science Basic Course: Needless to day, I only day dream about applications of such a serious topic and never start hands on with the course. I every day decide to start with the first course, just to be able to day-dream about implementing the new learnt stuff in practical use. Some day.

-Vacations: Now, this has been a never ending day dream. The pending list to visit places never ends. Hence, day dreaming on this has been more than for anything else in terms of frequency and intensity. List has zillions of places apart from US of A, Iceland, UK , Scotland, Greece, Jakarta etc. Oh well, reality is that we are in a situation where we can not even think about vacations in next one or two years.

And so, while every other current day dreams of yours truly can be converted into reality if I fight through my inertia, for a while this 'useless self ' might like to switch ON the last one- till we make the vacation happen.

And.. If you shrug your shoulder on reading this and never day dream..

"Apke Charan Kahan Hai?"

C for Clutter

I have got 50% genes of my mom who is an OCD patient, who claims to have recouped from the so called lifestyle disorder. (We both kids disagree!)

*Oh yes, my brother protested many times in our childhood singing 'Ma Sehat Ke liye, tu to Hanikarak Hai' Before the Bapu Version was launched a few years back as a hit song in the movie Dangal.*

By no means, my mom puts me in her Respectable and Clean (Sterile & Organized) Individuals book which has some insane rules like- 'While taking out the tissue paper from the roll, one must put the cut in a straight line if perforation does not work.' , 'The edge of the coffee table (or any furniture) has to be parallel to the edges of the tiles' (Okay, I have this problem too!), 'Kitchen should be very very very clean which can be achieved by just using your right hand to cook. Left hand is only for cleaning the mess and lifting jars' 

Believe me, I am 90% stickler to such rules but I am not there in mom's Good Books yet.
However, my husband who is exactly the polar opposite of my mom, puts me into the category of 'OCD affected' people anyway. I believe, living with 23 room-mates in ten years and 23rd being my husband himself- I am no more an OCD patient as I have successfully developed survival remedies. But, my husband and some of the office interns disagree. (Karma!)

Now, if you ask me honestly clutter turns me off. It sometimes sparks anger and frustration too.

Those coins on the bed or hiding in the corner of the room, Oil Stains on the grill with piles of used towels on them (thanks to the existence of the massage oil bottles there), No mosquito/dust grill on windows in Mumbai homes, Unfolded blankets on the bed, Dirty bedsheets & curtains, Hidden clutter under the table or tucked away behind the TV screen, Oil used for frying stuff happily residing in the same pot for days, Old jars almost cultivating weird creatures in the fridge, All those things which are never going to be Marie Kondo-ed by other members of the family. Let me stop here now.

***

How do I manage many turn offs every single day or at-least thrive to do, because I live with three more people who have different personalities?

1. Ignore & Clear the clutter as much as you can.

2. Delegate cleaning and de-cluttering to your partner. A side note: Sharing responsibilities lead to better married life (Or a Fight, if the delegation goes unsuccessful. Wait, Fights are good too!)

3. If I am tired, I crib and divert my mind.

4. By no means, I take de-cluttering as only my job.

5. If there are other members than your partner I feel, are propagating clutter just because of their life style and habits, I clear my territory. Crib about it and let it go.

These 'remedies' work to some extent and sometimes I feel sad that my home suffers because of all five of them I force myself to follow silently, However such is life.

But, this is the limit upto which I can adjust. (Mostly)

One more person creating mess enters in my life.... Oh well....

What if the future kid someday turns out to be like all of them???

:o

Or, what if the kid turns out to be like my mom??? 

:o

Should I be happy or not???

B for Bag Hunt

Females and their bags- this combination is deadlier than an arranged marriage set up to match a bride and a groom. Expectations from a bag sometimes exceed than expectations from a husband, for me. However, when it comes to bags, we have the liberty of scrapping them even if they are Michael Kors. *Joke Over* *It was only a joke!*

I, generally take forever to select a bag for myself. Reasons are many, I like my bag to sustain at least 2-3 years. Also, I do not like to change my bags too often. Not even as per occasions, unless I am wearing something jazzy and ethnic.That is my fail safe method. No change of bags, no mishaps like forgetting something - most of the times wallets or ID Cards, getting habitual of the product, if the bag is chic enough it never looks bad. Mostly I use my bag as a laptop bag too- so at most what I have to do in the evenings or while going for dinners is just to remove the laptop and voila! I am ready.

*Eye-rolls expected from many ladies who feel that dinner bags have to be tiny, to even accommodate a wallet and then use pockets of their partners to put something you bought* *My eyes are rolling now*

And so last week, when my husband noticed that almost torn shoulder strap of my favorite Vegan Leather bag, I freaked out deep down my heart. (No, I am not a Vegan person but I had just liked the simplicity of the bag when I had bought it. Others found it little boring but that happens to almost all the choices I make in fashion department!) Believe me, finding an appropriate bag online and ordering is not as simple as it seems for yours truly and so the realization that the time has arrived to start selecting a new bag- I found myself really nervous.

Now to achieve this complicated goal, the bag selection over Google has started. Proud to tell you guys, I have not made up my mind yet. (*Sarcastic Drum Rolls*) First, the only colors I accept for bags are Tan and Black only. Second, it has to have a zip. Third, it should fit my laptop. Fourth, it should look classy and formal. Fifth, it can not be a bag pack type. Sixth. It should not be too expensive because, hey the startup I have been working for is not raising funds any time soon. I mean, I can go on and on. (Sixth point will get eye rolls from my husband!)

Ah.....

If the comparison of this process with the arranged marriage set up is fair, I am so so lucky to have Mr.ISB in my life that I never had to look at anyone else with so many requirements in my mind from a relationship. (Even when my husband continues being unfair to me while rolling his eyes at my I-am-not-buying-that-expensive-branded-bag outlook in life, I do not deviate from this feeling)

Anyway, I assume love-after-six-conversations may not happen for bags, which happened with me while selecting a husband for myself!

:/

Why, Not, Why?

A for Anxiety

No, I do not mean to start April with this negative word. I would rather put this post as a result of introspection. Sometimes, in life you reach a junction when you feel blessed and anxious both - for decisions you have taken so far, even when you are seemingly doing just fine. Knowing what makes you anxious, is one step towards resolving the situation. At least, that is what I believe.

I also believe, I am personally not afraid of anything in the world but there are a few things which make me panic like nothing else. At the age of 30, I have figure out what are they. I might succumb to them or float around, I just want to some day come back to this post and happily note the progress. Here we go..

People I love, not feeling well: This includes even friends and family both. I sometimes can not stop thinking about them if they are not well and if I come to know about it. People have stopped informing me if there is some minor thing bothering their health, but that makes me even more depressed. From a person who as a kid, took decisions in the time of crisis with utmost maturity when accidents happened with her maternal and paternal grandparents- this is unexpected. I am trying to fight such anxieties, by focusing on helping them as well as diverting my mind towards other things which matter as well. With age we ought to accept that such fall backs are going to happen.

Social Rituals & Traditions: I like traditions, however ones with baggage are something I escape from. Specially, where society is unfair. Where comparisons happen. Where gifts are exchanged as a part of tradition and not by love. Expectations are set without any logic. I despise them and to some extent now I am tired of trying to change them. It also affects the relationships you want to cherish forever. Sadly, India seems like the last country ever changing on that front.

Not Being Able To Perform Well Professionally: Or feeling helpless about it. Nothing is scarier when it comes to my professional. I have made certain decisions in my life which kept me and people around me happy for quite some time, in every aspect. However, not going out of the comfort zone for various reasons when the time was right, has resulted in a situation where I am constantly afraid of not doing well in my career. If I conquer this, I know in my heart that I would fulfill my dreams one day. Sooner or Later.

Religious Stubbornness:  The biggest ever anxiety trigger. Coming from a family, hardly religious, this war with religious stubbornness is more than disturbing for me in the adulthood. Specially when you are asked to follow certain religious tasks subtly but with enough intensity. A person like me, who is scared of hurting people would let it pile up and vent it out on incorrect people. Every single time. But what is the root cause? Religious people who enforce their beliefs just because society performed some sort of blood transfusion to convert you post 25. I also understand it is my own stubbornness of not converting my live-life-as-per-your-rules belief into somebody else's belief, which creates anxiety. However, I do not think I can find a way to feel peace and keep people happy together.

Oh well, now when I have typed enough on 'Anxiety', I know a temporary medicine to relieve myself. Blogging about the trigger. Even if it is short lived.

It just makes me realize that spoiling peace of mind with the anxious cloud hovering around, is not worth it for any of the reasons above.

Can we learn to ignore all of them, Please?

Chai Time Chitchat #18

It has been a roller coaster ride. Life is either a lull or a roller coaster for me and believe me, this time it looks like a ride. One Hell of a Ride.

Give yourself a couple of cups of Adarakhwali Chai and just listen to me!

Life is chasing God Speed,  I feel. Functions to attend, Changing office dynamics,  Hundred uncertainties, Change of location for a few months (soon to be happening), scary advises, scarier consequences, my stubbornness to live my life as per my condition (I was always like that, however I always kept my mouth sealed and mostly gave up) - Personally and Professionally things are changing. However, this time I have decided to focus on 'What I like' than 'What others would judge'! Let me see how much peace I can bring to myself without affecting my environment too much.

We have a Puja at home to perform and well, there are these never ending list of traditions which I might have to follow and as a couple we feel (Bubblegum > Mr.ISB ) these things are just putting us off. Buying a new Saree to selecting one more from the existing wardrobe, getting blouses ready, guest coordination, guest invites, return gifts, packaging of gifts, booking a hall and a caterer, setting up a menu, stay for guests and guess what, I am moving to my home town for a few months - so yes, packing! My energy levels are down to even spike the excitement but I guess I will sail through. However I hope there is no last minute additions in the plan, likely when negative perks of having indecisive minds around me when I myself can not start a confrontation. 

Office life is dull and challenging. Oxymoron they might sound, but I have been not given a single perk of being the senior most core team member of the startup (apart from an entry to director's wash room! Yeah, there is a thing!) which refuses to go for fund raising. This, after working my best ever and performing as well. Truth to be told, they have confirmed that they wont be able to give me growth further as they themselves are not having any future plans hence, it is time to pack the bag mostly. How long can you work for a company without a vision, even if it sustain and grows? This has to be done in a way where I don't burn bridges as I do think they are the best minds I have ever worked with. Paying for it then...

Surprisingly, I have not taken any art DIY in my hands since five months now. There is some inertia affecting me, apart from fatigue coming uninvited every evening in my life. I hope I can do something about this when I go to Ahmedabad for a sabbatical apart from doing other hundred things I have planned. 

However, April is coming in. Birthday month and A-Z Blogathon. Yeah, I am in for the challenge. 

Zone or Zen

If you would have met me when I was little over four years , I would look like an introvert and shy kid. If at 13, little shy but not too introvert. At 21, super extrovert and bold, aiming high in life. At 25, I would seem that I have friends in every corner of the city I have ever been deputed to (thanks to the job) and at 28- I had kon-maried many friends. Sheesh!

No, serious! It was the year of wedding when I failed to cope up with too many friendships. I started being selective about friends and if you are reading this and still has managed to be my Hi Hello friend - oh yes, buddy - you are the lucky one. (Now when I am 30, well- I have started konmaried relatives too!) And, believe me I was so relaxed after the selection of relationships I had attempted to make.

My husband said I was never a Naturale at being that extrovert, when it comes to my social life, I was always picky about people I really gel well with. It was that ingrained Indian mentality which stopped me from not being social, even if I don't like to be one at certain point of time.

This year, I am slowly noticing a serious change in me (Good for me, bad for social relations!) - I do not like to be taken for granted any more. I am investing more in relationships which are important to me or the ones which spark joy in me. I have suddenly become the person who is in no mood to wear a mask- If they are relatives and I do not like them, well they will get a smile but I can not be pushed to act like that good daughter/daughter in law who would talk to them for hours even when she doesn't feel like doing it.

Then there is this every day life. In the office and at home, I am becoming less involved in social interactions to call me a perfect extrovert. I know with whom I can spend hours just chatting and with whom, I would like to go formal/ do basic duties of being in a certain role. I do not think there was any single event which triggered it but I am just following my heart more often. (Not that I escape from confusions and guilt for not obeying rules laid by the judgmental society)

I have also noticed myself loving my own company a lot more than ever. I don't need people around me all the time. I grab smallest possible opportunity to spend with myself or having a silent date with Mr.ISB (Oh yes there is a thing! Both of you enjoy solitude - yet you are in the same room, feeling connected)

There is this amazing peace within me, most of the times when I can do what I want do in terms of my social life and interactions. No forceful social conversations, no wearing mask. Enjoying company and conversations with people I love...

...Including myself.

My own Zone or Zen.

Registering Mishap

When I say, we are very different individuals in this relationship called Marriage- it is not really an exaggeration.

I am a fireball, He is the fire extinguisher;
I am an emotional fool, He is too logical to be that;
I am reactive, He responds to situations;
I plan and achieve, He is an impromptu performer ;
I like to keep things organized, He loves constructing mess out of nothing.

And hence, while we both have managed to travel to the middle line of the actual gap sometimes organically- we have several guidelines (unsaid) to achieve peace in life. (Needless to say, we follow them only sometimes)

One such unsaid rule for him is to adhere to the statement of requirements, given regarding de-cluttering our bed room in the morning. The rules are as simple as, 'Putting his clothes to be washed in the washing machine', 'Switching off the geyser','Placing his folded dried clothes from the hall to his wardrobe'. No Rocket Science! However, like a true geek who can detect a minor change in numbers and patterns from a huge data base- he barely can register these tasks undone. So, I have a habit of instructing him every now and then- with a wish that it would become a habit. (The first rule of putting clothes in the washing machine is now a habit after 4.5 years of training!)

So today in the morning, while mentoring him...

Bubblegum: Hey, please bring the entire pile of folded clothes from the hall when you pick your towel (from the a pile!).. Need to place that entire bunch in your wardrobe.

Now, with a wish that he would detect that the folded towel he is taking is a part of a pile of his own freshly washed and dried clothes- I always segregate folded clothes in piles and every pile either belongs to an individual or belongs to house keeping.

Now, after exactly one minute- just like an obedient husband trying to keep sanity of his wife in place I hear him entering the room from the hall.

And what did I see?

He was carrying around four piles of clothes (belonging to every one) one over other and was about to rush to his wardrobe to place them inside (?)

I could not believe my eyes!

He had failed to register that all of these clothes do not belong to him and need not go inside his wardrobe.

Sheesh!

:|