I have a dose of those twenty minutes quite frequently. Where I feel my heart tangles, I feel low under the pressure of my own thinking capacity. I can feel the heart sinking, crackling - cracking into hundred pieces.
Those twenty minutes I feel sensitivity towards everything, from light to noise. What I want is what I really want in life. Fears try to capture me with sharp jaws, I feel drenched with some poisonous liquid. My head doesn't spin but it thinks more and more.
More I think I feel more. Tears roll down sometimes like they never had. A black hole starts shaping up inside me and all happiness just gets into the well and I feel I might never see them.
I read or write or chat during these minutes, I create an amazing negative aura and people might pity me, get angry on me or be very practical and I know they all are right, but that I don't understand in those twenty minutes. I just feel like crying those mess out of the body and talk to someone who 'understands' me and delete uncertainties of life which might bring back these 'Twenty minutes'.
Either I am just a weak emotional fool or I am developing a type of disorder. Mostly the first one.Three years out of home, in hundred different atmosphere, many many different cities, away from my own people, and mess in my mind. I have only myself to blame upon? Sometimes it is not possible to keep every one in your life happy and the guilt takes you to such 'Twenty Minutes'!
Apart from the pain it involves I handle such 'Twenty minutes' pretty well, and after those twenty minutes I conveniently switch on the audio to listen to my favorite song or just doodle, scribble , blog, cook the way a normal happy Bubblegum does.
The Happy Bubblegum promises not to feel those twenty minutes again, but fails.