A Sunny Day Rambling

New motherhood comes with no me-time. Almost. It also comes with a lot of loneliness, questions, issues and sleep deprivation. Just when you think you are settling once your baby is six months old, you get busy with office. Sometimes it comes with staff management, family management and also your own expertise in not stepping up for yourself and just over think about issues.

However, sometimes you see a silver-lining too. You get to talk to your favourite people and feel good. Even if it is for a while. Sometimes you just Whatsapp or mail such people and feel good...And sometimes your favourite people come to meet you from US of A and also your husband manages to push you to spend time with them. An entire day. Without worrying about your baby, home, in-laws, parents other family members. Now, that is a line full of diamonds and not a silver-line!

Because I am writing with such gusto about it, obviously it happened. Yesterday. I spent almost a whole day with my most favourite people in the world - Kaka and Kaki. That too, how? Visiting Kalaghoda Festival, window shopping and shopping, visiting a book store and discuss a lot about life in general! Ah, also- We had coffee, lunch, tea and coffee together, in that order. I mean, even in my dreams I don't get people like me who can really roam about for such things in life!

I almost felt like a little girl talking to best friends who can sort every issue she has in life. Just talking to them reminds me that I can be a lot better as a person that what I am. I can be a lot better at sorting myself out than I am. And not in a negative way, but in a very positive way.

I do not have to think twice before asking them a thing. I just feel the wavelength and believe me, irrespective of relationship other members of my family share with them- I just adore them, I respect them and I look upto them - all the time.

My family has gone though tough times in last 3 years. Abby has been a blessing for them. However, we as a couple were always under the judgemental eyes of society and family on how we are supporting other members of the family. Possibly rightly so. However we both husband and wife are now feeling bogged down by the load with our brand new baby. If somebody can sooth me from this entire situation, than it is them.

I can not forget how I can talk on and on and on and on about anything under the sun with them. Movies, Books, Art, Science, Mythology, Cooking, Religion, Parenting, Fashion, Gadgets, Coffee, Tea, Food, Decor, Relationships. Name it, and I will add it.

They are the perfect combination of a set of parents with an understanding of friends. I love my both sets of parents, but they are the third set - Dear to me. (Not in that order!)

That one super power I believe in, sometimes just showers sunshine on me.

They are my Sunshine and who does not like a Sunny Day?

To Abby #1

Dear Abby,

You are going to be seven months old in two days. You are my little but big boy and believe me, every one around loves you more than anyone around in this whole world!! (And, you have a mother who writes her mind out without proofing it. Bare with her!)

I thought of writing this letter to you- One, because it has been my first work week after your birth. I am leaving you home with Dadi and Tai.Two, because I just love writing mails to my near and dear ones and welcome to the club of the people I love writing to. You are in a gang of only six people so far!)

Today is the fourth day of my five days work week, in my very new and challenging job. You have been nothing but a blessing for this new and now working Mumma because you are happy without Momma at home. You do not cry or you are still not clingy. Every one say, once you will be nine or ten months old you might be too upset when I would be going to office but I have a hunch that you will support the challenging role your mom wants to crack!

Oh, it does not mean I do not miss you. On the first day, when I came back home- you sort of ignored me. My heart broke then and there but in two three minutes when you started playing with me in your usual way, I could not stop smiling. On the second day, a few Building Aunties blamed me indirectly for being selfish. However, it was your Dad who reminded me why I am working. He also told me that when you would grow up, you would appriciate me for managing my career well and would also understand that every person (irrespective of his/her gender) should have a freedom of choice- Specially in terms of, To work or Not to work, after marriage or having kids.

I might sound harsh but I am an individual. I did not lose my individual personality even after getting married to your Dad (Thanks to him!) and hence, when your very wise 'A' Pishimoni adviced the tired Mumma of yours in her passive voice, a few months back:" Abby is a part of you, rest of your personality still needs to have passion and joy! You will be happy if you preserve that part and so would be Abby!" I could not and can not agree more. Do you know the most wonderful part? Your Dad belives in it more than any one of us. And to prove? I am spending total three quality hours with you every day before going to office and after coming back and they are nothing but JOY.

Another reason for me to join work - is AMBITION. I have a few for myself, your Dad has some as well and you would have some for yourself. Everyone should have a goal or goals in life to reach to and Believe me, some day you would know why I did not give up on this one.

Abby, I am sure you would give me strength to crack this new role which matters to me a lot. However, be sure that you are the most important part of your Mom and Dad.

Love,
Mumma

Ah__Fish!

Oh yes, I am talking about Office today. Yours truly has resumed work and from all the aunties in our building this Mommy has wore the robe of selfishness and every day goes to work leaving her 'poor' almost seven months old baby home. (Oh no, he does not register my absence at all! 'They' ignore the fact when I leave for office!)

I would stop my rants here and talk about things I think when I am going to office, when I am in office and while I am on my way back.

-Abby is going to be alright. He does not even miss me. Stop thinking about it.

-I don't have anything to wear!

-Why is it so uncomfortable to keep hair open! Let me tie a bun. Oh No, I cant. This is an office.

-Oh my God, the world outside is so slim and trim. God knows how to squeeze in time for working out.

- This feels so good. I finished all the pending tasks.

-Where was I for eight months? Absent from life?

-What would Abby be doing? He does not even miss me! Why?

-I need coffee.

-I want to work out or walk. But I want to meet Abby as soon as I can.

-I need to change my hair style. This pony tail looks out of age for me.

-When should I book a cab to go home?

-Why the hell this Mumbai traffic appears ever where?

-Day care downstairs for ******* Bank is so cute. So many babies!

-Oh look at that baby! Must be younger than Abby too! Why cant I have my baby here?

-No, I cant. What if I have to stay back for some time?

-When is the boss going to talk to me?

-Oh my God, I need to cook dinner as per the plan.

-Oh No, then I will give hardly 1.5 hours with Abby.

-Why is that aunty telling me that Abby will forget me now?

-Oh well, another one coming to ask my office timings. Why don't they go and ask this to Daddy.

-What? Abby is wearing such a mismatched pair of clothes. I had kept everything prepared in the basket, what happened to them?

Believe me, there is a trail left to write about. I still need to plan and sort out some issues. I have to fight with social dilemma of performing in career and my personal life as a mother.

Some day. I will get over them. I can not fight with the society.

Resolution 2020!

Oh well, if I look back to the post where I declared my five goals for 2019, I did not do too bad. Not Good in all the areas of course but provided I lived the entire year being pregnant or a new mother- I do get some concession. Don't I ?

The first Goal was to keep activity level high. Oh well, till June I walked A LOT. Of course, it maintained my weight like anything but I could not see an impact on my delivery because hey, I had a C Sec. Over all, I did not do too well in this area afterwards. However, I am slowly picking up. I try to go for a walk, thanks to our Nanny (Please dont go any where ever!) who takes care of Abby in the afternoon. Now that I am joining my new job in next five days, lets see how do I maintain my physical fitness.

Second and third Goals of Working together with Mr.ISB and Decluttering - is a work in progress. We are yet to conquer both goals with additional stuff we have thanks to Abby, however I am sure we would survive.

Fourth and Fifth Goal of Recycling and Personal Projects went out of the window. Believe me, I had plans. I could paint two canvases and a bit of recycling boxes for storage happened. Not Happy with these goals.

Year 2020 is going to be different to take these goals again. It is the year of settling down with a new role and a baby on board. Getting into routine, making self care rituals etc. But wait, let me write them down.

1. Reading: I kid you not. I want to read books, learn more or just explore different virtual worlds. There is this sudden craving for knowing thoughts of other people, characters and build my own theories, in me now. With a six months old baby it is not very easy to take time out but hey, I am going to slay this goal. I am sure. If I want to survive intellectually.

2. Fitness: I need to decide if I want to dance, walk or do both. Or nothing. However it is time to level up the game of diet and work out. I need to lose postpartum weight and I can see it is not easy. All eyes on my new diet this year. I am trying to minimize carbs but remember, I am from Gujarat.

3. Hosting Parties: Tea parties or Dinner, all eyes on my soon to be set up Living Room. I did a small trial on Christmas by decorating it with a Christmas tree and whatever I could get without going out much. I loved creating a party ambiance. I would love to throw a rug, a few fairy lights and some indoor plants. This year I want to host minimum three parties to start with. With elegance and joy.

Wish Me Luck?

The Year It Was 2019!

My mobile in the morning suddenly alarmed me, that today is the last day to blog in 2019. It was a Maha-Ride of joy, blues , excitements, recovery and what not. A Tsunami of emotions, I went through- can not go undocumented and hence a couple of months back, looking at my in-activeness on the blog I had put this reminder. ( This can be my last day of 2019 to put down everything happened in this year and believe me I have hardly documented anything!) Let me do the yearly Hisab Kitab!

Somewhere in just around Diwali 2018, we had conceived and we knew 2019 would be a ride however the sheer intensity of the change was not known. I was at the end of first trimester of my pregnancy and the husband was back home after 50 days of business pilgrimage in January 2019. I remember those 20 minutes of two major scans we had in January and discussed about what would we do if the reports showed any abnormality. We were in love with our unborn baby and we kept on talking about how would we love to get a baby girl. Mr.ISB's family has some genetic pattern where generally they tend to produce boys. Specially first born babies (Yes, the first born being a boy is a random thing but having more male children can not be!) Of course elders believe that this 'Blessing' is because of Good Karmas of Mr.ISB's grand mother, however scientifically I would give the award to his grand father who surprisingly has gifted us our two Buas (first two kids were females!) but alas hey... Of course, in my heart I knew that the probability of us getting a baby boy is more!

My pregnancy till March starting was a smooth ride. I was too conscious about my health being a daughter of a mother who had gestational diabetes and BP both with complex postpartum recovery. I kept on checking myself for high BP and every time it turned out to be a false alarm. I had made a joke of myself by giving such alarms and even when every set of parents joked about it, I was still observant. People asked me about pregnancy cravings during this phase- but you know what? I had none. That is a different story that I just hogged on to every possible fruit I can, but over all, NONE. I had no cravings. Little less I knew, I was going towards food aversion but let me tell you the fun part of February and March.

We attended my youngest sister (Cousin's) wedding and it was a mini reunion with my niece and my family living in US. Of course I was pampered royally back home- Ahmedabad, my parents were so excited to have me there and were equally happy waving me bye, at the end of the vacation because just in two months I was coming back to Ahmedabad for my delivery. Aha... After coming back from Ahmedabad, we also went to Karjat for a friend's wedding and enjoyed a LOT. However, on professional front things were not so good. The startup which I was working for as the first and senior most staff member, found out a loop hole in the maternity leave bill 2017 and chose to NOT GIVE me six months of maternity break or even three months. They assume that a female can not work properly for over a year and a half, after having a baby and hence gave me a plan of working part time (Which seldom happens) with reduced salary. Now, any fresher also if looked at my profile then, would realize that a senior VP can not work part time if he/she wants to really contribute something. I was also not of the opinion to quit after delivery by taking whatever pay benefits I would get. Hence, I decided to raise my standards and had a very honest chat about my anyway-a-stagnant-profile, the pay gap between the industry and mine, the contribution and literally no future. Founders being a little selfish and a little like mentors, finally told me to come back if I wish to and accepted my resignation.

So, the month of March was more like a transition period. I managed to train a group of four people to do my work. I attended farewells, gave a Pizza Party to my juniors. I also fought a lot of pregnancy myths as well, like- Not washing hair till delivery, Not climbing even two steps, Not sitting on the floor (surprisingly, I was asked to sit on the floor ten times in two hours for a Pooja at home by the same guest!) I have to give credits to my Kaka and Kaki who tried their best to sort me out emotionally and practically. Due credits to my husband and my SIL for making sure that an old and a constant family issue concerning my second most favorite member of the family- was managed by them without involving me.

April was tiring. I was seven months pregnant and had started hating food. My weight was not increasing at the rate it should be, however I was asked to just maintain the diet. I kept myself (or I was pushed to) busy in managing planning for my baby shower. The scale of the Pooja and Party had increased from 30 people to 80 people in ten days and we, as a couple at the end of the day had decided to NEVER EVER do any function in next 10 years. I remember, it was on 14th April- my parents and their siblings had come to attend the function, so we had to manage their meals and stay. We had 68 local guests whom we had to shift from home to the hall- Pooja to Party. I do not like baby shower games and was not even in the mood but public opinion won. The function had started at 7 am and I could step in my room back to rest at 5 pm. I am not kidding. From 2 pm to 5 pm, we kept on waiting for the murhut to be good. I was left with a lot of joy in my heart but drained physically. I do not think, a seven months pregnant lady needs to go through this. Even when Aunties involved in planning had good intentions, it was for the baby and not for the mother- Yes, even six months postpartum- with sanity I am throwing this statement. Everything done in pregnancy to keep the lady happy, is for the baby. That was the day, the baby shower when I had hit the first pre-postpartum blue. I had seen the postpartum depression coming in but little less I knew that my next six months are going to be full of irrational hormones, accidents, shocks and surprises.

It was 19th April, the day I had reached Ahmedabad with a lot of dreams to spend quality time with my mom and dad - my mother broke her bone just below the knee. She had to go for a small surgery and mentally we both were so vulnerable. From that day till she started walking (after five months in total) properly, I have cried every night. It was my destiny but seeing my mother in tears, not because of pain but because of her broken dreams of pampering me- made me emotional. However, in hindsight my situation kept on improving after one month of surgery. My father wore the hat of the mother and my mother was my father. Both were both. It was always like that but I can not describe how they changed themselves for my sake. My younger brother did everything I wanted (IMAGINE!) him to do. Numbers of mails were exchanged between me and my Kaka Kaki. My husband, I can never thank him enough for being there with me, not giving me sympathy but showing me a road to sanity. I could not have done anything without this group of people.

Entire month of May was spent being with my mom and crying. Being forced to eat and crying. Hugging my mom dad and crying. Painting a bit and crying. Fighting with my husband and my brother and crying. Parents pushing me to go for dinner dates when husband was around and crying. Laughing like a maniac with my maternal family ( I could not have passed my days of my delivery without them) and crying.

I did not know then that June would be even harder. I used to think once the delivery is over, I am going to be free, My mom will not worry about me and I would just fly high. Oh, things happened in the exact opposite way but we also got the biggest gift of our lives- we delivered our little bundle of joy - A Baby Boy. Oh, we both who craved for a baby girl- were immediately in love with our Hairy Pink Munchkin. Needless to say, the rest of the June is a blur. It is unfortunate that in India, prenatal classes are not a trend, lactation consultancy is not known and these are the reasons postpartum depressions amplify. If you want me to say things on how to improve this system, come home. Really. India is no where when it comes to giving support to a soon to be a mother or a new mother,  in the way it should be.

In July, August and September , I tried documenting about Abby- Our Baby and myself! We also did a small naming ceremony in Ahmedbad and did I mention, my mom had almost started walking by then! I also could flaunt the best and the most beautiful earrings my Kaka and Kaki had sent. I tried documenting these small postpartum blue-less happy moments here. I do not really want to put more sadness on this blog about my postpartum blues, because I was told by a doctor that this time shall pass and if I am going to put more pressure on myself by thinking about it- even Abby would suffer. I try to follow his advice even now. In few words, All I could think of myself was nothing but but a struggling to breast feed mom, surrounded by nappies and bottles and her own tears. However the start of the September clouds of sadness moved away and I was shifting back to Mumbai Home, with our baby. I was excited to be with my husband after five months but I was also nervous getting into a territory where I will have to wear a mask of a good Daughter In Law. Needless to say, on going family issue was at the all time peak and I was helpless by then to make any change. But I shifted, moved on from the Blues ah, just to fight a series of BOTTLE REFUSAL by my Abby!

I could not blog at all after End of October to November. Abby went through a couple of bottle refusal phases and it was me who took the brunt of it. Mother's guilt and A DIL's mask. However, I must note that Abby's pediatrician just asked me to be patient and said, 'He just wants breasts!' - No kidding, the Doctor couple is Parsi and they dont steal words! Abby was putting on weight properly, hence it was only me who was into my 'Worrier' Mode. After a bout of coughing in Diwali and a couple of cheerful days I spent with my parents- things had started moving on. and How? I had landed up a job! With a good hike and an approval to Join from Jan 2020. I guess that career conscious- I deserve more- Girl in me helped me to come out and enjoy Abby more! I also managed Abby- Our Jumping Jack on my own, on my way to Ahmedabad where I went for nine days so that I can enjoy a few days with my now-able-to-even-run Momma, over enthusiastic Papa and Brother, before I hit the working Mom status.

December was BIG. We took our first trip as a family to Ganpatiphule and I enjoyed every second of it. Abby is a joy and believe me, following little basics of sleep training has done wonders to him. His naps are hardly 20 minutes long in day time but he sleeps on his own at 9.30 pm most of the days and did I mention, he has self weaned off his rocker for sleeping and also mid night feeding? Of course, he must be a non fussy hyper active baby, but I have no shame in stating that I have worked really hard in putting him in some routine. December is also a month when I took an afternoon off, encouraged by our Nanny and MIL - Went for shopping. Just in time because, yours truly has put on some weight and fits awkwardly in ethnic clothes. May I declare, I loved every minute of it without mom's guilt and also flaunted my groomed self in a wedding after ages?

In December we also connected to day cares and relatives, friends who have gone through the decisive phase about how to take care of their babies when the mother goes to office. Unfortunately, for a few months or till he is ONE we would be dependent on our Nanny. She seems like a very caring person and not to forget Abby loves her too. I am relieved for a while, or till we hit the bottlenecks like my MIL not being there, Nanny on leave etc. However, the biggest benefit of having a nanny at home is that I would be able to commit properly to my new profile till I settle down at work. Also, she is a great help to my MIL which relaxes me a bit more. I also should mention that Our Kaka and Kaki are coming to India in February and now only 35 days are left to see them!

Yay!

Abby Notes #7

Ah oh, opening a laptop and even ramble something with the help of this keyboard was too much to ask from me,  a month back. Does it explain my absence on this blog baby? Yes. Does it justify? No.

Here I am, trying to pick those broken pieces of confidence- that I can blog like before, AGAIN. Let me start with Abby Updates. (Isn't the entire post about it? Ah, yes!)

Abby has grown up OH SO MUCH in terms of acquired skills in last two month. Rolling over anywhere, jumping on his feet, getting up from now strong thighs and hips to grab something, wanting to stand all the time with someone's help and what not. In between all these developments we also went through bottle refusal part two, started solids, fussing about things we dont like, recognizing mom dad and what not.

Our first Diwali was tensed. Abby got allergic cough and cold and the first time parents that we are, we were in no mood to do anything very special. However, I managed to do a Rangoli and we all just had a lot of sweets. Binge eating is bad, my friend! My parents flew to Mumbai while going back to Ahmedabad from a vacation and just about the same time- due to Abby's bottle and nursing strike we were advised to start pureed fruits. And Ahoy, he broke every fast and every strike as soon as his stomach had apple sauce. It was too funny to see him so happy having fruits!

Abby and the mother (Do not roll your eyes. That is the designation now!) went to Ahmedabad a month back (Weird, but they say we went to Abby's Mama's place. Oh please, he is yet to even turn 26! It is my place or my parent's!) . All Alone. Oh yes, I was not too nervous but definitely thoughtful about discovering/planning various ways of managing Abby. My frock buddy N's kiddo has abandoned his stroller which was and is used happily by Abby now. It sort of saved my trip and the days spent in Ahmedabad. While he was oblivious to air pressure issues in ears, he had decided to talk to every one in sight while standing on my chest. I am not kidding. For thirty five minutes of my flight ride, I was loaded. However, at the end humanity prevailed and a lady helped me to relax myself for a while and made sure I reach my folks at the arrival. Ah....

Ahmedabad was and is a happy place. While he loved all the swings we have, he managed to REALLY explore the balcony garden my dad has developed.  My parents also made some 'jugad' of keeping soft toys afloat above him on the swing so that he can kick all of them! I am not kidding you, this guy has no EQ as of now. He loves kicking every soft toy's ass! Haha!

Obviously with the happy trip, the challenge came as usual with the feeding. His highness decided that he does not want to use slow flow nipples any more. He exactly showed me how babies can be stubborn about something second time in my life. Ah, we are still changing bottles every day to try different flows. However, if nothing works one amazing product sent by my Kaka from US works. The only problem is with that product Abby gets this deep cravings of holding the bottle all alone. Ah, well..

In the first week of December, we visited Ganpatipule for a small vacation. First ever family vacation for three of us! First ever train ride for Abby. We had booked a coupe and oh boy, not only Abby enjoyed the ride, I also napped like never before thanks to the train vibrations. Our resort at Ganpatipule was okayish but the lush green trees , kind staff and superb weather made the vacation really fun. Abby loved taking strolls outside, had his first 'Chhab Chhab' in the pool and oh well his first ever two hours long day nap in the hotel room! Haha. We had no WiFi or proper network connection which made our 'together time' so good. Even with Abby and his management - his mom dad managed to feel like normal couple dates- the kinds we love!

Last weekend, Abby attended a wedding for the first time. He was dressed in Kurta, Sherwani and a Tux onesie for Sangeet, Marriage and Reception. He loved spending time with people so much that he forgot to sleep for an entire day! Hahaha. He was very very playful most of the time.

Abby can now say Mamamama, Bbabababba and Maamba Ammba too. He tries hard to crawl and walk too. He loves going out and then ignores every one else till he gets tired. He seems to be teething and hence eating everything around.

I am looking forward to various vegetables and fruits getting introduced to him. Reading books to him and ah, adjusting me and my tiny one into my office schedule. Keeping fingers crossed.

Abby Notes #6

I promise, I would come up with something non-baby soon however nights are long but months are flying.

Abby is almost 4.5 months old boy and now yells, yes screams in excitement and anger as per the situation. Of course, he has started rolling hence the need to demonstrate this new skill set is so intense that he can not be kept on the bed on his back for more than two minutes. 

Bottle refusal has decreased but I guess he gets really bored of a single type of a bottle. We have introduced one more bottle which is a cheap dummy of Comotomo and Mimijumi but since a week it is working better than the previous purchase. Looks like somebody has already developed preferences. 

Talking about likes and dislikes, Abby has started liking taking bath a bit. He does not cry at all and loves watching water droplets. Abby has now one week experience of getting dunked in a bucket full of water. Can not wait to get him a tub once he starts sitting without support.

Ah about support, he has now full control over his neck and which means, he loves sitting with support. Yeah, it is early as per 'elders' but people forget that he is my kid. A rebel. He just wants to sit sometimes and he achieves the goal by creating havoc.

Abby is now slowly getting introduced to other story books than touch-feel types, thanks to his cousin D and my best friend. He seems to be liking pictures atleast!!! By the way, the mat gifted by my friend R is such a big Abby magnet that he has started loving his tummy timing all the more. He first rolled on the same mat first time, because he so wanted to see the picture on the mat! 

Mommy is now waiting for Abby to start some external food and kick start sleep training in a baby cot with a white noise machine - if Papa is okay with it. 

I seriously feel that if there is one gift I can give to my kid which would be valuable - is the ability to sleep on his own. Lets see.

I hope I share more updates on sleep training and my next pediatrician in a positive sense soon!